Today in session with pastor, he broke thru some things with me,
one that i have walked for 30 years with out any spousal covering, the load has just gotten so immensely heavy and, i have been PISSED at GOD! not in those words, and, I didn't even really admit i was pissed until we were in the truck on the way home....
sooooooo, not even sure Pissed is the right word, always knowing being angry is an option but not wanting to choose to be, i tried to candy coat it???? or something like that....
I know the pity party i had for me was really kind of a grieving thing, giving up family, giving up dreams, giving up self....feelings of being such a failure, looser, and unworthy skum.....
thank you for being there for me....
Knowing that when Jesus was talking to his disciples telling them if they wanted to be like him, they had to drink from the cup, and, take the life he has walked.....
I think I have always backed away at that point, not wanting to totally give up self to allow him to be totally with in me....
I talked to pastor about my anger of having to be back in hometown usA, etc, he even admitted he didn't want to come back here after they had been away from it while in the city up north!!! He said, you wont find any condemnation from me on your anger for not wanting to be back here....(HAHA), then spoke about the challenges set before us for being back here, and that God chose us to be here for a purpose!
Anyway, just wanted to bring you up to where I am at this moment...
trying to unload the bedroom, to get it started on paint project, since I really feel we need to get this thing done before we end up working jobs and wont feel like working when we get home..
we have waisted way too much time already....
I start a itsy bitsy job tonight for Gophers, Fri and Sat nights, but at least it will be something for a while till something else comes along.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Friday, March 18, 2005
its been a while
its been a while since I have been here, been trying to go to church, and feel the effects.
My partner was delivered from his alcoholism, and, we still cant really "believe"
I feel like one of those poems that gets passed around, stating "God show me a miracle" and then still keep asking for more!
I guess not being able to find a job is keeping me in limbo, knowing my age, my unfit physical shape, makes me
not want to even look for a job anymore.
I was hoping to find something online which would bring in the dollars, one hears of people making all of this money
online, but yet when I have invested in so many different programs, and, cant make them work, it just makes me feel as tho I am just too stupid to live!
My partner was delivered from his alcoholism, and, we still cant really "believe"
I feel like one of those poems that gets passed around, stating "God show me a miracle" and then still keep asking for more!
I guess not being able to find a job is keeping me in limbo, knowing my age, my unfit physical shape, makes me
not want to even look for a job anymore.
I was hoping to find something online which would bring in the dollars, one hears of people making all of this money
online, but yet when I have invested in so many different programs, and, cant make them work, it just makes me feel as tho I am just too stupid to live!
its been a while
Only to find me in the nowhere land of lala land!
I have been doing the church thing, wanting it to be totally real, but, somehow still not so sure!
my partner is free from alcohol because of prayer and willingness to let go, and let god, but, I think he is in the same space as I am, not being totally sure we believe!
I feel like one of those poems that asks God to prove himself, so he sends all types of miracles, and I still cant believe!
Being unable to find a decent job, and, not being able to see any open doors, knowing there are people online who make their livings off of online dealings, but I just feel too stupid to make it work, I have p ut a lot of money out on online business deals, and always end up loosing my butt!
What do I do?
where do I turn?
no one can seem to help me....
Fighting depression sux....
I have been doing the church thing, wanting it to be totally real, but, somehow still not so sure!
my partner is free from alcohol because of prayer and willingness to let go, and let god, but, I think he is in the same space as I am, not being totally sure we believe!
I feel like one of those poems that asks God to prove himself, so he sends all types of miracles, and I still cant believe!
Being unable to find a decent job, and, not being able to see any open doors, knowing there are people online who make their livings off of online dealings, but I just feel too stupid to make it work, I have p ut a lot of money out on online business deals, and always end up loosing my butt!
What do I do?
where do I turn?
no one can seem to help me....
Fighting depression sux....
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
U-Turn in life
Back to the church thing I go, nothing makes sense, nothing takes me anywhere.
The people that are brought into my life are usually very needy, and, when I try to help them, I see no results, only f
feel totally used up by them. When they are normal, fun, types of people, whom I really enjoy being around, they are from far off places who I dont get to see much of. I am blessed to have those few people in my life, but, it gets pretty lonely out here, my alien space is a far distant place which I dont even recognize anylonger.
Going back to church is somewhat helpfull, but, I just always feel like these are people who have their life together, who dont have time to be with me. I dont want to be a needy person in their lives....
Being adopted, being told I was special all my life by my mother, but my life has been anything but special that is forsure! More like a soap opera that dont stop....
I had a dream last night, I saw the man of my dreams...but...of course, he was married....sigh....
always....there for someone else....
The people that are brought into my life are usually very needy, and, when I try to help them, I see no results, only f
feel totally used up by them. When they are normal, fun, types of people, whom I really enjoy being around, they are from far off places who I dont get to see much of. I am blessed to have those few people in my life, but, it gets pretty lonely out here, my alien space is a far distant place which I dont even recognize anylonger.
Going back to church is somewhat helpfull, but, I just always feel like these are people who have their life together, who dont have time to be with me. I dont want to be a needy person in their lives....
Being adopted, being told I was special all my life by my mother, but my life has been anything but special that is forsure! More like a soap opera that dont stop....
I had a dream last night, I saw the man of my dreams...but...of course, he was married....sigh....
always....there for someone else....
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Monday, January 31, 2005
Another day in OZ
Well, another day, with no direction.
Some times I feel as tho Im just floating in space with no one around me.
I try posting messages on community boards, only to have them totally ignored.
On one imparticular, there has been over 1800 views, and only 4 responces to what i have had to saw. Talk about feeling like an alien!!!
I dont understand how some people can have a drive, a passion, something to do with their lives.
Or, in the Christian realm, people talk about GOD told them to do this, or, they felt led to go forth.....the only led I have ever felt is lead in my pocket. There have been times I have done things for others which I know was GOD speaking to me, but, felt as tho no one cared that I put my foot forward, I guess I just would like some notice, I would just like to feel significant to someone else.....some justification for being alive..
since my parents died, I feel as tho no one cares if I am alive or dead...
my son didnt even call me to tell me he had bought a house with his girlfriend....I had to find out by callng, asking what he was doing, only to be told, moving into a house they had bought.
The one and only friend online that really can communicate with me, is dying of cancer, what can I do for him?
Life just doesnt make sence to me.....just once, I wish I could see the picture in front of me....
Some times I feel as tho Im just floating in space with no one around me.
I try posting messages on community boards, only to have them totally ignored.
On one imparticular, there has been over 1800 views, and only 4 responces to what i have had to saw. Talk about feeling like an alien!!!
I dont understand how some people can have a drive, a passion, something to do with their lives.
Or, in the Christian realm, people talk about GOD told them to do this, or, they felt led to go forth.....the only led I have ever felt is lead in my pocket. There have been times I have done things for others which I know was GOD speaking to me, but, felt as tho no one cared that I put my foot forward, I guess I just would like some notice, I would just like to feel significant to someone else.....some justification for being alive..
since my parents died, I feel as tho no one cares if I am alive or dead...
my son didnt even call me to tell me he had bought a house with his girlfriend....I had to find out by callng, asking what he was doing, only to be told, moving into a house they had bought.
The one and only friend online that really can communicate with me, is dying of cancer, what can I do for him?
Life just doesnt make sence to me.....just once, I wish I could see the picture in front of me....
Thursday, January 27, 2005
FloriDUH!
We spent two months in FloriDUH, and, I honestly can say I AM SO HAPPY to be back in COLD KANSAS! The weather in Florida was wonderful, the few people we got to know in our trailer court were nice enough, but, there are WAY too many people in FLORIDA!
and, if it isnt swamp ground, pine tree groves, or lake water, it is commericalism at its highest!!!!
TOOO MANY PEOPLE, and, slave labor wages. I HATED IT!
Why do people converge there, if only for the weather, it is CRAZY!!!!
Kansas has had a terrible ice storm, thousands of people ended up loosing power, trees were downed all over and it looks like a tornado went thru with all the trees broke like match sticks.
We came home because we couldnt find jobs there, and, came back, now, to what?
I feel so lost, and bewildered, where do I go from here.
Guidence, GOD U & I DANCE.....I love that.....now, I just have to find my dancing partner.....
and, if it isnt swamp ground, pine tree groves, or lake water, it is commericalism at its highest!!!!
TOOO MANY PEOPLE, and, slave labor wages. I HATED IT!
Why do people converge there, if only for the weather, it is CRAZY!!!!
Kansas has had a terrible ice storm, thousands of people ended up loosing power, trees were downed all over and it looks like a tornado went thru with all the trees broke like match sticks.
We came home because we couldnt find jobs there, and, came back, now, to what?
I feel so lost, and bewildered, where do I go from here.
Guidence, GOD U & I DANCE.....I love that.....now, I just have to find my dancing partner.....
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