so, what is really given to a blessing?
Are we not all God's children?
but, the Bible says, God chooses his children
I have always tried to be a true believer, but, somewhere along the line, the message seems to get garbled in
seeing and believing, and, walking the talk....
im so sick of people trying to "tell me how to fix my life" but, not walking the talk with me....
oh well, such is life,
maybe someday my life will make sense, I can only hope and pray my "faith" holds on.
Friday, May 20, 2005
who knows the answeres to the secrets
Maybe im wrong, and I know pride has to step down for help to show up, but, when a person is definitely hurting, why should they have to ask for prayer.......shouldn't spiritual friends know, and see, and feel your pain?
shouldnt people who supposedly care about you, ask, and really mean, "how are you doing?"
Im not doing good at all but does anyone give a FUCK!
they tell me to take it to God, and, where is he?
in the bible?
I have been screwed in this town so many times, and, it has left me totally self worthlessness, totally questioning my "faith" as i like to say to the other cyn, I have been fucked and didnt even get to enjoy it!
a town full of "church goers" and have left me so totally wiped out!
it also says the word will be given to those who the holy spirit chooses.... I was always told I was chosen, I have always felt I was chosen, I have always followed the god of my childhood, the one who has guided me thru everything, but, my vision has gotten so clouded over with what i have "learned in church" after my childhood.....
I have to find my way back to the childhood God, the one who showed me love, acceptence and the ability to love back
so where is thy comfort....?
going to hell is alone?
well, im in hell, i have been alone for all of these years!
If i ever make a contact, and, anyone ever reaches out to me, I would probably fall over dead!
like my dad did....
he was so lonely, and when my aunt finally came over to visit with him, he died!
I talked to you the other night and gave you a difficult time, and im sure you were frustrated with me.
but, dont be feeling like your alone, that is how i have lost a lot of friends, by opening up, and becoming real, and showing my total craziness....
shouldnt people who supposedly care about you, ask, and really mean, "how are you doing?"
Im not doing good at all but does anyone give a FUCK!
they tell me to take it to God, and, where is he?
in the bible?
I have been screwed in this town so many times, and, it has left me totally self worthlessness, totally questioning my "faith" as i like to say to the other cyn, I have been fucked and didnt even get to enjoy it!
a town full of "church goers" and have left me so totally wiped out!
it also says the word will be given to those who the holy spirit chooses.... I was always told I was chosen, I have always felt I was chosen, I have always followed the god of my childhood, the one who has guided me thru everything, but, my vision has gotten so clouded over with what i have "learned in church" after my childhood.....
I have to find my way back to the childhood God, the one who showed me love, acceptence and the ability to love back
so where is thy comfort....?
going to hell is alone?
well, im in hell, i have been alone for all of these years!
If i ever make a contact, and, anyone ever reaches out to me, I would probably fall over dead!
like my dad did....
he was so lonely, and when my aunt finally came over to visit with him, he died!
I talked to you the other night and gave you a difficult time, and im sure you were frustrated with me.
but, dont be feeling like your alone, that is how i have lost a lot of friends, by opening up, and becoming real, and showing my total craziness....
Sunday, May 15, 2005
more noon blue apples.....
not only did my inlaws die, they were a great family, gave me "family". Growing up as an only child, I never enjoyed having big family dinners, except going to my grandparents, with all of my cousins. After my mom died 10 years ago, they quit inviting me, and, my dad. It was like we died too.
Back to my inlaws, the anniversary of their deaths, and no one to share the grief with today.
My husband at that time, and I had problems from day one of marrage, but, I was determined to make it work.
Getting married at 17, people said we wouldnt make it, but, thought we were the perfect couple, until after the wreck. By 4 years later, his uncle and wife were divorced, his brother and his wife were divorced, and we ended up in divorce. We just couldnt grieve together, or, communicate after that. I found myself going out, partying, and trying to fill my voids with all the wrong things.
Oh, I had been a working member of the church all thru the first years of our marrage, but, after the wreck, the church didnt call on us, didnt check to see if we were ok, and, left us drop out of site.
It was 7 years before I was able to step into a church again. By that time I was divorced, and remarried.
I remarried someone whom I thought needed and wanted me. Only to find out 13 1/2 years later he only married me because he felt sorry for me, what a blow to the ego.
I have never wanted people to feel sorry for me, just understand me, just give me a chance to heal, and become a person again.
Everytime I feel as tho I am starting to go forward, another death comes along, and takes it out of me.
I should be used to death by now, but, Im not, I cant find my God, and dont know which way Im going.
Im just lonely, alone, and in need of someone who understands me.
All whom I have ever had as "best friends" never stick with me long, either move away, or, go away.
I dont want friendships which are one way, but, it always seems to end up being all about them.
Which is ok, but, I would like to have a little bit of time to talk about my feelings too.
Over the years I have found two such friends, but, I never quite know where I stand with them, and try to find my boundaries and not over step them.
Church should be a place to be cared about and given the chance to grieve, and grow, spiritually.
They never see me as worthy to get past the foundational stage of "spirituality"
and NEVER check on me to see how im doing.
I dont even like to ask for prayer, because I feel they should offer it, instead of needing to ask for it.
Maybe im wrong, and I know pride has to step down for help to show up, but, when a person is definitly hurting, why should they have to ask for prayer.......shouldnt spiritual friends know, and see, and feel your pain?
It has never been that way for me, maybe that is testing God, but, I think in a "spiritual church" they should be able to decern the pain, hurt, and loneliness.
I just feel things are not what I have been taught in the Bible how Jesus knew their problems.
If we are to be like Jesus, we should be able to hear, see, and know....
The truth shall set you free.....but, what is truth?
I want to know what "Noon Blue Apples" are
I want to know what is past the curtain
I want to know where life began
I want to know what is the secret to life
I want to know why people have to live in hell before knowing what heaven is all about.....
If Jesus desended down into hell and then rose again,
was it to gain knowledge he would use in his new life?
Oh so many questions, no answers.....
Back to my inlaws, the anniversary of their deaths, and no one to share the grief with today.
My husband at that time, and I had problems from day one of marrage, but, I was determined to make it work.
Getting married at 17, people said we wouldnt make it, but, thought we were the perfect couple, until after the wreck. By 4 years later, his uncle and wife were divorced, his brother and his wife were divorced, and we ended up in divorce. We just couldnt grieve together, or, communicate after that. I found myself going out, partying, and trying to fill my voids with all the wrong things.
Oh, I had been a working member of the church all thru the first years of our marrage, but, after the wreck, the church didnt call on us, didnt check to see if we were ok, and, left us drop out of site.
It was 7 years before I was able to step into a church again. By that time I was divorced, and remarried.
I remarried someone whom I thought needed and wanted me. Only to find out 13 1/2 years later he only married me because he felt sorry for me, what a blow to the ego.
I have never wanted people to feel sorry for me, just understand me, just give me a chance to heal, and become a person again.
Everytime I feel as tho I am starting to go forward, another death comes along, and takes it out of me.
I should be used to death by now, but, Im not, I cant find my God, and dont know which way Im going.
Im just lonely, alone, and in need of someone who understands me.
All whom I have ever had as "best friends" never stick with me long, either move away, or, go away.
I dont want friendships which are one way, but, it always seems to end up being all about them.
Which is ok, but, I would like to have a little bit of time to talk about my feelings too.
Over the years I have found two such friends, but, I never quite know where I stand with them, and try to find my boundaries and not over step them.
Church should be a place to be cared about and given the chance to grieve, and grow, spiritually.
They never see me as worthy to get past the foundational stage of "spirituality"
and NEVER check on me to see how im doing.
I dont even like to ask for prayer, because I feel they should offer it, instead of needing to ask for it.
Maybe im wrong, and I know pride has to step down for help to show up, but, when a person is definitly hurting, why should they have to ask for prayer.......shouldnt spiritual friends know, and see, and feel your pain?
It has never been that way for me, maybe that is testing God, but, I think in a "spiritual church" they should be able to decern the pain, hurt, and loneliness.
I just feel things are not what I have been taught in the Bible how Jesus knew their problems.
If we are to be like Jesus, we should be able to hear, see, and know....
The truth shall set you free.....but, what is truth?
I want to know what "Noon Blue Apples" are
I want to know what is past the curtain
I want to know where life began
I want to know what is the secret to life
I want to know why people have to live in hell before knowing what heaven is all about.....
If Jesus desended down into hell and then rose again,
was it to gain knowledge he would use in his new life?
Oh so many questions, no answers.....
Shot twice
I cannot imagine the pain my uncle must have been in to shoot himself twice in the head in order to stop the pain perminetly...
How in the world would an 89 year old man pull the trigger on a gun, twice, once thru the mouth, and once thru the forhead?
Supposedly it was investigated, and rulled suicide, but, how!
I need to grieve, but, his son didnt invite me over to be with the family, I have no one else, so, I grieve alone.
That is nothing new to me tho, so, I should be used to it by now.
I grieved the death of 4 loved ones who were killed in a horrid wreck, a semi running their car down like a sitting duck.
I have mentioned their deaths before so wont go into it again, but, none the less, I had no one to grieve with then either.
I finally found a grief support group back in 1978, exactly 33 years from today. Only thing it was a Monday, coming home from a family reunion. Killed, all of them, mom, dad, two sisters, the only thing i can be thankfull for is my children were not in the car.....I could not have survived it if they had been.
We had driven many miles to arkansas trading children in the car, so, it could have been with my children involved, but THANK YOU LORD JESUS, you saved me of that pain.
My marriage, if you want to call it that, was in trouble before the wreck, in fact, from the day one, the night of my wedding, I knew I had made a mistake, but, I was in love with love, in love with the wedding process, in love with the excitement of a change in my life, to get away from my strict parents. In those days, girls my age, 17, didnt have the choice of getting a roommate and trying to live alone, to go to school and become something more than a house wife.
That was all I ever wanted to be, a wife, mother, gardner, I hated cleaning house, but, would have gladly cooked millions of meals. My mother always cleaned, I always tried to cook. I didnt learn how to cook tho.
Mother wasnt a very good cook, so, never asked her to teach me. My mother inlaw was a fabulous cook.
She could cook with a COOK!!!
I learned to eat, and enjoy it, and, now, trying to loose all of those pounds that built up over the last 35 years.
Funny how, I have lost almost everyone I have ever loved, who has ever loved me, other than my children, and, they have too, they have gone on in their lives, we never talk about grieving, they dont seem to need to talk about it, so, I dont want to bother them with it.
My uncle shot himself, their two best friends shot themselves too, as teenagers......
they have moved on, how did they grieve with out me?
why am i having such a difficult time feeling the need to grieve, but, being alone in it.
How in the world would an 89 year old man pull the trigger on a gun, twice, once thru the mouth, and once thru the forhead?
Supposedly it was investigated, and rulled suicide, but, how!
I need to grieve, but, his son didnt invite me over to be with the family, I have no one else, so, I grieve alone.
That is nothing new to me tho, so, I should be used to it by now.
I grieved the death of 4 loved ones who were killed in a horrid wreck, a semi running their car down like a sitting duck.
I have mentioned their deaths before so wont go into it again, but, none the less, I had no one to grieve with then either.
I finally found a grief support group back in 1978, exactly 33 years from today. Only thing it was a Monday, coming home from a family reunion. Killed, all of them, mom, dad, two sisters, the only thing i can be thankfull for is my children were not in the car.....I could not have survived it if they had been.
We had driven many miles to arkansas trading children in the car, so, it could have been with my children involved, but THANK YOU LORD JESUS, you saved me of that pain.
My marriage, if you want to call it that, was in trouble before the wreck, in fact, from the day one, the night of my wedding, I knew I had made a mistake, but, I was in love with love, in love with the wedding process, in love with the excitement of a change in my life, to get away from my strict parents. In those days, girls my age, 17, didnt have the choice of getting a roommate and trying to live alone, to go to school and become something more than a house wife.
That was all I ever wanted to be, a wife, mother, gardner, I hated cleaning house, but, would have gladly cooked millions of meals. My mother always cleaned, I always tried to cook. I didnt learn how to cook tho.
Mother wasnt a very good cook, so, never asked her to teach me. My mother inlaw was a fabulous cook.
She could cook with a COOK!!!
I learned to eat, and enjoy it, and, now, trying to loose all of those pounds that built up over the last 35 years.
Funny how, I have lost almost everyone I have ever loved, who has ever loved me, other than my children, and, they have too, they have gone on in their lives, we never talk about grieving, they dont seem to need to talk about it, so, I dont want to bother them with it.
My uncle shot himself, their two best friends shot themselves too, as teenagers......
they have moved on, how did they grieve with out me?
why am i having such a difficult time feeling the need to grieve, but, being alone in it.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
if they come after me will there be anyone who cares?
Dark Skies
Where would I be with out you baby....
Life has been so difficult, as, Im sure it is to others too.
What is the goal in life?
What is life all about?
Why is it so difficult to "live"?
Financially.....emotionally......physically.....spiritually......in all aspects, I have no answeres......
If they come after me, will there be anyone who cares?
I cant seem to find a happy place in my life, everytime I start to get back up, I get knocked down again.
my realitives are all "happy Christians" whom i am sure things went bad for, but, they never washed their dirty laundry out to dry so to speak.....
they always say things like, keep your faith in the Lord, keep your chin up, dont look back, look forward to the big reunion in the sky.....
I guess as long as so many of my loved ones have died, I can look forward to seeing them all, because I have always been taught to believe in God, Jesus, and the after life....
But, what if there isnt any....what if this is what we get.....
What if this is Hell on earth, and its all a big test.....
what if we have someone watching us daily to see how screwed up our souls really are?
Where would I be with out you baby....
Life has been so difficult, as, Im sure it is to others too.
What is the goal in life?
What is life all about?
Why is it so difficult to "live"?
Financially.....emotionally......physically.....spiritually......in all aspects, I have no answeres......
If they come after me, will there be anyone who cares?
I cant seem to find a happy place in my life, everytime I start to get back up, I get knocked down again.
my realitives are all "happy Christians" whom i am sure things went bad for, but, they never washed their dirty laundry out to dry so to speak.....
they always say things like, keep your faith in the Lord, keep your chin up, dont look back, look forward to the big reunion in the sky.....
I guess as long as so many of my loved ones have died, I can look forward to seeing them all, because I have always been taught to believe in God, Jesus, and the after life....
But, what if there isnt any....what if this is what we get.....
What if this is Hell on earth, and its all a big test.....
what if we have someone watching us daily to see how screwed up our souls really are?
Thursday, May 05, 2005
WHAT DONT YOU UNDERSTAND?
I dont want you to be drunk when I get home!
I dont want you to be an asshole when I get home
and I dont want you here if you cant seem to learn these two things!
I dont ask much, I dont require much, but, I want to be able to come home and not have a fight on my hands!
I want to be able to come home and enjoy what time im home, and not working....not being totally worn out physically, then, have to come home and be totally worn out emotionally too!
I am having enough problems getting my crap together with out having to get your fucking crap together too!
I AM NOT YOUR MOMMY!
I am not your mother
I am not your sister
I am not youer fucking ex wife!
I am not your ex girlfriend
I am not the one who has disc'ed you
I am not your FATHER who abused you
I am just me, I want respect, I want to be loved
and I want to not have to put up with YOU!
I dont want you to be an asshole when I get home
and I dont want you here if you cant seem to learn these two things!
I dont ask much, I dont require much, but, I want to be able to come home and not have a fight on my hands!
I want to be able to come home and enjoy what time im home, and not working....not being totally worn out physically, then, have to come home and be totally worn out emotionally too!
I am having enough problems getting my crap together with out having to get your fucking crap together too!
I AM NOT YOUR MOMMY!
I am not your mother
I am not your sister
I am not youer fucking ex wife!
I am not your ex girlfriend
I am not the one who has disc'ed you
I am not your FATHER who abused you
I am just me, I want respect, I want to be loved
and I want to not have to put up with YOU!
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Dragon Queen
Dragon ass, queen of dead tired!
How can I learn to survive life, with being dead tired all of the time?
Life is to be lived, and enjoyed, and creative, God tells us to go out and creat, he was the creationist of all time, and, he tells us to be like him, but, damn, the lessons and the learning it takes to be like him is so difficult.
Why cant I get a hold on it?
Why has my life been so full, so rich with experience, but it is kicking me in the ass, instead of rejouvenating me?
I have no energy, no lite to keep me going, I feel as tho I am fading fast.
I a meer 52, but, feel so old, look old and frumpy, and feel as tho I might as well climb in my grave.
I feel as tho I have lived off of faith all of my life, I walked up the isle to the preacher at 10, knowing I wanted to be baptised, maybe at the time, I didnt realize what I was being baptised into, but, knowing that I wanted what ever it was that he was offering me that day. I wanted it more than anything in my life, and wanted to be loved like nothing else in my life.
My mom and dad loved me, I know they loved me because they told me so, or, at least my mom did, I think,
I dont remember unless i said it first, come to think of it, I dont remember them telling me that they loved me, in words, but, they showed me all of the time....... they gave me every material thing they possibly could, and they gave me a warm home, clean clothes, and food to eat. They gave me a home, which, my own biological mother couldnt do. I dont know enough of the story, because I have not been told the same story by anyone. I dont know the truthes of my life. With out knowing truths, nothing makes sence......
ITs so HARD to live on FAITH when, lies, and deciets and bent truths have been the only words spoken....
My adoptive family always seemed to love me, but, they have never been there for me, except if I call out to them.....never do they reach out to me....maybe feeling since my life sux so bad, they dont want to bother me?
But, it feels like they should at least call to see if i am doing ok, but, they dont....so I just keep plugging along.
When finding my bio family, they were interested in meeting me, but, interest didnt stay close ties were not built. A quick hello, and goodbye online is about all I can get anymore, and, when we do talk, its like we are all a part of different families.....because we were, none of us were raised by the same people, or branch of family.
I have always felt like an outcast.
We took a drive to the family cemetary, on the outskirts of the little town on the prairie where my great grandmother and grandfather, planted their house and family, and built a church, and became pillars of the town, not rich ones in money, but, rich in family and heritage.
Family and heritage which is something that I have always wanted, but, never recieved.
Was it because I didnt take enough of an interest?
or, was it just something that didnt materialize because I wasnt really a part of the family?
or, wasnt all that interested ? No, that isnt it, because family history was always an intrest to me, i wrote my senior term paper on family tree!
I know, going to family reunions is like torture, because no one ever remembers me.
When I go up to talk to the ones I know, we chat for a few minutes and they are ready to move on to someone else. I am not an interesting person to know, I must be really boring.
How can I learn to survive life, with being dead tired all of the time?
Life is to be lived, and enjoyed, and creative, God tells us to go out and creat, he was the creationist of all time, and, he tells us to be like him, but, damn, the lessons and the learning it takes to be like him is so difficult.
Why cant I get a hold on it?
Why has my life been so full, so rich with experience, but it is kicking me in the ass, instead of rejouvenating me?
I have no energy, no lite to keep me going, I feel as tho I am fading fast.
I a meer 52, but, feel so old, look old and frumpy, and feel as tho I might as well climb in my grave.
I feel as tho I have lived off of faith all of my life, I walked up the isle to the preacher at 10, knowing I wanted to be baptised, maybe at the time, I didnt realize what I was being baptised into, but, knowing that I wanted what ever it was that he was offering me that day. I wanted it more than anything in my life, and wanted to be loved like nothing else in my life.
My mom and dad loved me, I know they loved me because they told me so, or, at least my mom did, I think,
I dont remember unless i said it first, come to think of it, I dont remember them telling me that they loved me, in words, but, they showed me all of the time....... they gave me every material thing they possibly could, and they gave me a warm home, clean clothes, and food to eat. They gave me a home, which, my own biological mother couldnt do. I dont know enough of the story, because I have not been told the same story by anyone. I dont know the truthes of my life. With out knowing truths, nothing makes sence......
ITs so HARD to live on FAITH when, lies, and deciets and bent truths have been the only words spoken....
My adoptive family always seemed to love me, but, they have never been there for me, except if I call out to them.....never do they reach out to me....maybe feeling since my life sux so bad, they dont want to bother me?
But, it feels like they should at least call to see if i am doing ok, but, they dont....so I just keep plugging along.
When finding my bio family, they were interested in meeting me, but, interest didnt stay close ties were not built. A quick hello, and goodbye online is about all I can get anymore, and, when we do talk, its like we are all a part of different families.....because we were, none of us were raised by the same people, or branch of family.
I have always felt like an outcast.
We took a drive to the family cemetary, on the outskirts of the little town on the prairie where my great grandmother and grandfather, planted their house and family, and built a church, and became pillars of the town, not rich ones in money, but, rich in family and heritage.
Family and heritage which is something that I have always wanted, but, never recieved.
Was it because I didnt take enough of an interest?
or, was it just something that didnt materialize because I wasnt really a part of the family?
or, wasnt all that interested ? No, that isnt it, because family history was always an intrest to me, i wrote my senior term paper on family tree!
I know, going to family reunions is like torture, because no one ever remembers me.
When I go up to talk to the ones I know, we chat for a few minutes and they are ready to move on to someone else. I am not an interesting person to know, I must be really boring.
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