well, Christmas is over...
boy did it come fast for you too?
I cannot believe it has come and gone, and,
we in Kansas actually had a white Christmas!
its been years since we have had actual snow to enjoy over the Christmas vacation.
We took Jessica to the "hill" in town, built (pile of dirt) at the local park, so when we did actually have a snow we could go enjoy sledding...instead of sliding down the entrance ramps of 1-35!!
or being pulled behind a tractor on snow skies pulled by a ski rope.....oh what fun!!
there were not many people out there, I think people have forgotten the joys of sledding...
Jessica had my old sled from the 50's, and she out slid those kids on the new fangled saucers, and tubes. In fact she sat down, rob pushed her, and I looked up only to see her coming straight for me, and 2 other people right behind me
I turned around and said," MOVE MOVE GET OUT OF THE WAY"....We all jumped out of the way, and she went air bound over one of the plastic tabogans...it was hillarious, just like something in a movie...we all just stood their and died laughing.....
(all except the guy I was yelling at, he looked at me like, "Lady why are you yelling at me?")
She landed and said, "Wow lets do that again"
Reminds me of the day I was riding my 125 Honda around the curve in Missouri, and I missed the curve, ended up going about 50 feet into some-ones yard...getting stopped about 2 ft from a trailer house. My (Briana) 3 year old sits calmly on the front of my bike and said "Wow mom do dat again"
As my heart pounded through my chest, I laughed until I cried realializing & knowing I could have killed my child...
BUT....all three of us have a sense of adventure.... :)
now, its GREAT to know my granddaughter is going to have one....YEHA...only hope I can help her go less painful paths.......and make it further than I did...before falling oft to painville....(getin old is for the birds!)
here's to my 7 year old adventurist....
Sunday ends the vacation with a dinner at the "Budde's" I was actually invited so ought to go..
Robs sister asked him to come help her with putting a stair case in her new home, since he owes her big bucks...I will take him up there on new years eve, to look at the place, and give her an idea how much it is going to cost.
We don't know yet, about his homeless shelter program, since the court date seems to be in limbo.
I thought we had it all figured out but, I guess God has other plans, I just hope we make the right choices, we have seemed to make so many wrong ones over the years....Living by faith over the years, not worrying about the consequences seemed a lot easier....took us down some wild roads, and gave us a lot of challenges...
now...asking for help spiritually, and, not really knowing if we are asking for God's will, or our own....is the challenge...
and waiting for his answers is teaching patience
seeking his wisdom, not really sure how to do this, for, reading His word doesn't always speak to Rob or I....is this because we have not been selected to receive, or be blessed with God's Word, or just don't read enough, it just seems so difficult to understand.....plus, I know....its a very big lack of discipline our own fleshly parts...(how does one get this?) I say I want to know the lord but, something keeps me out of the word....
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Shes coming back
Depression....the one that seems to know me best. It would be fitting to name her I guess? Depre' she is now named, and from now on will be known as Depre'. I have fought with her as long as I can remember, and to go back and figure out when she first started visiting me the best i can do is.....ALL OF MY LIFE. If I were to go thru therapy regression as they call it, I think, the day my bio mother held me, said good bye to me, kissed me and said "I will always love you but I cannot take you home with me" Depre' latched on to me and has never let go. My earliest memories of being depressed were the rejection of so called friends in our little home town of Potwin KS. Unknown to me at the time, everyone else was related to each other, and I was the outsider.
Not knowing that, made it hard to understand why the kids had birthday parties and didnt invite me. Why they all went to the same church, and all had so much fun together. Why the kids at the end of the block all played together and very seldomly invited me to come join them. Other than the fact that, when I would go into the house to my bedroom and stay there all day....not wanting to tell my adoptive mom why I was in my bedroom. She always wanted to go fix everything. I became embarressed when she would go out and yell at the kids
so, it was just easier to go to my room, and stay there. I remember crying alot....wishing I werent alone. KNowing I had brothers and sisters out there somewhere didnt help me much, it just made me want to know where they were.
Being alone, one would think I would have developed my imagination.
I remember laying in bed, looking at the light fixture, it had a design something like a lymbryth. I remember following the lines, hopeing it would take me to the place.....
Its time to go to work....the place....for now....
Not knowing that, made it hard to understand why the kids had birthday parties and didnt invite me. Why they all went to the same church, and all had so much fun together. Why the kids at the end of the block all played together and very seldomly invited me to come join them. Other than the fact that, when I would go into the house to my bedroom and stay there all day....not wanting to tell my adoptive mom why I was in my bedroom. She always wanted to go fix everything. I became embarressed when she would go out and yell at the kids
so, it was just easier to go to my room, and stay there. I remember crying alot....wishing I werent alone. KNowing I had brothers and sisters out there somewhere didnt help me much, it just made me want to know where they were.
Being alone, one would think I would have developed my imagination.
I remember laying in bed, looking at the light fixture, it had a design something like a lymbryth. I remember following the lines, hopeing it would take me to the place.....
Its time to go to work....the place....for now....
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Final time to kick out
Once again, he got a great job, he came home telling me he loved his job,
it was a total God given job, i could see Gods work in the whole thing,
and, after getting his training done, his shots, and his keys. Plus praise from his bosses. He took off on a binge, and screwed up big time.
DUI bad checks, the whole lot.
Humiliation was my feeling, knowing he had screwed up and basically slapped God, his boss, me, in the face once again.
I just felt dead inside, no anger, no pain, no emotions.
My friends thougth i was at peace.....
was it peace, or just plain being worn out, tired of trying...
He came home, I told him he was leaving, and if he didn't want to live on the streets again, he was going to the state hospital.
Which, is where he is now, but, I will not allow him to come back here
until he has proven himself.
I just cannot take it any longer,
I know, I should have sent him packing along time ago, but,
God ALWAYS closed doors, and, gave me mercy for hm, and each time he has gotten worse, each time racking up bigger bills, etc...
Now....most of my friends don't believe that, they think I was just totally being an enabler. Most probably so, but, in my heart of hearts, God would not allow me to give up on him. I still have not given up on him, I KNOW MY GOD IS BIG ENOUGH TO HEAL HIM...
Why is it, that no one else seems to stand with me?
Here I am in the middle of Bible Belt USA and no one can see how God is working and getting my faith built, and allowing him to become broken.
Unless a spirit has been broken, it is unyielding to the Holy Spirt.
Jesus, my Lord, Please make me a part of the solution
not a part of the problem.
I REFUSE TO GIVE UP....
Lord you made me stubborn, you made me put my feet to the ground and stand my ground. It was the only way I ever got anything I really wanted.
of course, now, people see me as spoiled, and most of my adopted relatives don't give a cow about me.
I am alone here, one or two who really know my heart.
I just want to make a difference in someones life....
but most people don't even know I'm alive...
When I was adopted in 1952, they thought i died...
so, its fitting that i have lived my life as an alien amongst strangers
I have made a quiet landing...just hoping to figure out how to live the rest of my life with out falling off the cliff, hanging on to one knot at a time......
it was a total God given job, i could see Gods work in the whole thing,
and, after getting his training done, his shots, and his keys. Plus praise from his bosses. He took off on a binge, and screwed up big time.
DUI bad checks, the whole lot.
Humiliation was my feeling, knowing he had screwed up and basically slapped God, his boss, me, in the face once again.
I just felt dead inside, no anger, no pain, no emotions.
My friends thougth i was at peace.....
was it peace, or just plain being worn out, tired of trying...
He came home, I told him he was leaving, and if he didn't want to live on the streets again, he was going to the state hospital.
Which, is where he is now, but, I will not allow him to come back here
until he has proven himself.
I just cannot take it any longer,
I know, I should have sent him packing along time ago, but,
God ALWAYS closed doors, and, gave me mercy for hm, and each time he has gotten worse, each time racking up bigger bills, etc...
Now....most of my friends don't believe that, they think I was just totally being an enabler. Most probably so, but, in my heart of hearts, God would not allow me to give up on him. I still have not given up on him, I KNOW MY GOD IS BIG ENOUGH TO HEAL HIM...
Why is it, that no one else seems to stand with me?
Here I am in the middle of Bible Belt USA and no one can see how God is working and getting my faith built, and allowing him to become broken.
Unless a spirit has been broken, it is unyielding to the Holy Spirt.
Jesus, my Lord, Please make me a part of the solution
not a part of the problem.
I REFUSE TO GIVE UP....
Lord you made me stubborn, you made me put my feet to the ground and stand my ground. It was the only way I ever got anything I really wanted.
of course, now, people see me as spoiled, and most of my adopted relatives don't give a cow about me.
I am alone here, one or two who really know my heart.
I just want to make a difference in someones life....
but most people don't even know I'm alive...
When I was adopted in 1952, they thought i died...
so, its fitting that i have lived my life as an alien amongst strangers
I have made a quiet landing...just hoping to figure out how to live the rest of my life with out falling off the cliff, hanging on to one knot at a time......
Thursday, November 01, 2007
We sold our dream
He was on one of his binge drunks, I prayed out to the Lord if he wanted me to get from under the stress of the BBQ for HIM to send a buyer for the BBQ.
We had no income for that week, and he finally got home from his drunk, and
I told him we needed to set up to sell BBQ that night.
We sat up at 4:30 as usual, and, was NOT busy, which was a first.
By 6:00 we were wondering where all our customers were.
At 6:30 a young couple and three little girls came up and ordered hot dogs.
Then, she came with a cell phone asking me to talk to Divina, who is our neighbor. I picked up the phone, and it was Divina, asking if the couple could look inside the BBQ Van, they were wanting to build one like ours to sell beans and tacos out of.
After talking for a short while, I asked if they wanted to buy this one, remembering the prayer I had just prayed earlier that week.
He said "how much" I told him 15,000. He said he was interested and would be back to look on Saturday.
Saturday came, and he actually showed back up, and, had his brother inlaw with him. He saw we were busy so asked if I would call him when it was time to close down so he could come back and look some more.
They showed up at 5:30 and left with a hand shake and a deal of paying cash, $12,500 for the BBQ Van!
WAS THAT A GOD THING OR WHAT!!!
We were under the impression they wanted to keep the BBQ and our name, etc
but, have now totally turned it into a taco wagon...
Our dream, is gone.
BUT GOD sent a buyer, it was so awesome!!
We sent out a note to all of our loyal "Booser Fans" and only one sent any response saying they were sad to see us sell. That was so devistating, do people not even care about anything anylonger? Guess we sold at the right time, if business was going to drop dead....
We at least sold it, didnt loose it like our first BBQ, that killed us emotionally.
IT shocked my partner into stop drinking!
or, at least out of his binge, he has been to detox, we went on a vacation to Missouri with hopes to move there.
The cost of living is so much less, but the wages are SO MUCH LOWER too.
Being scared is not something I am thrilled of feeling, one thing I have learned living on the edge has become the only way i have lived for 7 years. I dont want to live like that anylonger, but, going to Missouri for $6.50 an hour would totally SUCK!
Altho, my sister and her husband have asked us to bring our BBQ down there!
and, now we have no BBQ VAN!
Since the vacation, my first in 4 years...
We have the desire to move out of state, to start totally over, but....
not knowing about any real jobs down there, is the scarey part.
Do we step out in total faith, or, is my "maturity" finally kicking in...
I used to jump on the chance to move, and start over, but.....
When ever i have had a vision, and put it into motion quickly, but I have never succeeded financially. Always had great success in putting it together, but, never being able to make money to live on. SO WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?
We had no income for that week, and he finally got home from his drunk, and
I told him we needed to set up to sell BBQ that night.
We sat up at 4:30 as usual, and, was NOT busy, which was a first.
By 6:00 we were wondering where all our customers were.
At 6:30 a young couple and three little girls came up and ordered hot dogs.
Then, she came with a cell phone asking me to talk to Divina, who is our neighbor. I picked up the phone, and it was Divina, asking if the couple could look inside the BBQ Van, they were wanting to build one like ours to sell beans and tacos out of.
After talking for a short while, I asked if they wanted to buy this one, remembering the prayer I had just prayed earlier that week.
He said "how much" I told him 15,000. He said he was interested and would be back to look on Saturday.
Saturday came, and he actually showed back up, and, had his brother inlaw with him. He saw we were busy so asked if I would call him when it was time to close down so he could come back and look some more.
They showed up at 5:30 and left with a hand shake and a deal of paying cash, $12,500 for the BBQ Van!
WAS THAT A GOD THING OR WHAT!!!
We were under the impression they wanted to keep the BBQ and our name, etc
but, have now totally turned it into a taco wagon...
Our dream, is gone.
BUT GOD sent a buyer, it was so awesome!!
We sent out a note to all of our loyal "Booser Fans" and only one sent any response saying they were sad to see us sell. That was so devistating, do people not even care about anything anylonger? Guess we sold at the right time, if business was going to drop dead....
We at least sold it, didnt loose it like our first BBQ, that killed us emotionally.
IT shocked my partner into stop drinking!
or, at least out of his binge, he has been to detox, we went on a vacation to Missouri with hopes to move there.
The cost of living is so much less, but the wages are SO MUCH LOWER too.
Being scared is not something I am thrilled of feeling, one thing I have learned living on the edge has become the only way i have lived for 7 years. I dont want to live like that anylonger, but, going to Missouri for $6.50 an hour would totally SUCK!
Altho, my sister and her husband have asked us to bring our BBQ down there!
and, now we have no BBQ VAN!
Since the vacation, my first in 4 years...
We have the desire to move out of state, to start totally over, but....
not knowing about any real jobs down there, is the scarey part.
Do we step out in total faith, or, is my "maturity" finally kicking in...
I used to jump on the chance to move, and start over, but.....
When ever i have had a vision, and put it into motion quickly, but I have never succeeded financially. Always had great success in putting it together, but, never being able to make money to live on. SO WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?
Friday, October 19, 2007
The Birth of Jack
I should be ashamed of myself, my first grandson was born August 27th
and, i am just now writing about him.
Naughty grandma!
We are not the closest family. As much as I have tried to stay sane, and, give what i could to my children, i feel it was not enough, for they could really care less if i am alive or dead...
No one ever gave of themselves in my childhood, i have very few memories of people giving me love, but, material things...
my memories are in pictures only.
That scares me, because, why dont i remember the act its self?
My children have not cared to talk to me about my life or want to know.
I thuoght i was starting to have a good relationship with my son, but, i guess i shared too much, because he wont answer my phone calls now.
It breaks my heart, to be rejected by my own son, but, what can i do?
I will send him a box of cookies tomorrow, its going to cost over 12.00.
I know that doesnt sound like much, but, it is almost half of my weekly food allowance...
I had money when they were teenagers, but, only after they were out of the house...
, Their dad kept us from having money to do what i wanted, but had plenty to do whta he wanted.
I sacrificed my idea of vacation for his dream of fame in racing.
We never made a lot of money, it barely paid the cost of the event, but, it was our form of "vacationing"
i spent most of the time being drunk, wishing i was enjoying it with out being drunk...
but, sitting around in the dust, bullshitting with people who never had much to say, was not my idea of a vacation.
AFter his mom and dad and two sisters were killed in a car wreck, i left my emotional sanity at the door for a while...
When i came to, i was dead inside, i needed life, i needed guidence
but, i didnt know who to ask for help, i went to the church, they turned me away, i went to mental health venue, and they just took my money
I ran to other mens arms
learned the excitement was at least a feeling....
my friends lived vicariously thru my actions....
I left my childrens dad, with out viewing it thru their eyes, i just tried to hurt them as little as i could. If i stayed with their dad, and stayed dead emotionally, i was going to damage them even more...
I didnt know how to fix what was broken...from the start....
that was back in 1980, i remarried, and divorced after 13 1/2 years also..
now...
Its taken me 10 years to become more aware of my emotional state of being.
and no one to really share it with, other than my live in partner.
We are not passionately in love, but, have so many reasons we are together...
is, no passion, a reason to leave, and, move away from what companionship i have had over the last 7 years?
i am at a cross road once again, trying to figure out if im going to stay, or leave...leave a place i have not wanted to live since 1964...
My grandson....yes, my grandson, will he even know who i am....
little baby Jack, Nanna loves you. I can only hope, you will know who i am to love me back....welcome to the world...even tho its a screwed up mess....
im sorry, i have given you such a family to be in....
love, Nana
and, i am just now writing about him.
Naughty grandma!
We are not the closest family. As much as I have tried to stay sane, and, give what i could to my children, i feel it was not enough, for they could really care less if i am alive or dead...
No one ever gave of themselves in my childhood, i have very few memories of people giving me love, but, material things...
my memories are in pictures only.
That scares me, because, why dont i remember the act its self?
My children have not cared to talk to me about my life or want to know.
I thuoght i was starting to have a good relationship with my son, but, i guess i shared too much, because he wont answer my phone calls now.
It breaks my heart, to be rejected by my own son, but, what can i do?
I will send him a box of cookies tomorrow, its going to cost over 12.00.
I know that doesnt sound like much, but, it is almost half of my weekly food allowance...
I had money when they were teenagers, but, only after they were out of the house...
, Their dad kept us from having money to do what i wanted, but had plenty to do whta he wanted.
I sacrificed my idea of vacation for his dream of fame in racing.
We never made a lot of money, it barely paid the cost of the event, but, it was our form of "vacationing"
i spent most of the time being drunk, wishing i was enjoying it with out being drunk...
but, sitting around in the dust, bullshitting with people who never had much to say, was not my idea of a vacation.
AFter his mom and dad and two sisters were killed in a car wreck, i left my emotional sanity at the door for a while...
When i came to, i was dead inside, i needed life, i needed guidence
but, i didnt know who to ask for help, i went to the church, they turned me away, i went to mental health venue, and they just took my money
I ran to other mens arms
learned the excitement was at least a feeling....
my friends lived vicariously thru my actions....
I left my childrens dad, with out viewing it thru their eyes, i just tried to hurt them as little as i could. If i stayed with their dad, and stayed dead emotionally, i was going to damage them even more...
I didnt know how to fix what was broken...from the start....
that was back in 1980, i remarried, and divorced after 13 1/2 years also..
now...
Its taken me 10 years to become more aware of my emotional state of being.
and no one to really share it with, other than my live in partner.
We are not passionately in love, but, have so many reasons we are together...
is, no passion, a reason to leave, and, move away from what companionship i have had over the last 7 years?
i am at a cross road once again, trying to figure out if im going to stay, or leave...leave a place i have not wanted to live since 1964...
My grandson....yes, my grandson, will he even know who i am....
little baby Jack, Nanna loves you. I can only hope, you will know who i am to love me back....welcome to the world...even tho its a screwed up mess....
im sorry, i have given you such a family to be in....
love, Nana
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Being poor is....
this website cant say it any better. I started out with nothing, went to having everything, and am back to nothing....
hanging on to a bare thread at the moment, and scared to death!
I have NEVER been to the point i have no money to pay my bills, but, i am damned near close. thanks to the drunk who lives with me. I took him in because he needed a place to live, and because I needed help in life....
we are a perfect fit, except, he has over stayed his welcome, has become a real bum who could care less about anyone but himself.
I am so sick of it, but, yet, dont know how to change anything.
Jobs in this town suck getting paid 9.00 an hour is a "privelage"
they make me feel like I OWE them EVERYTHING for working for a fucking 9.00 an hour, in 25 hour weeks, when they KNOW i cant afford to live on that...
the head elder of the church, complains if i work over time, and, bitches when i
have to wear my other work clothes to work so i can make a fast get away to be to my other job on time.
I have tried to give my self, tried to be nice, and loving, but, im becoming bitter, and angry....
Im deperatly hanging on, i have written on my blog since 2003 i think. When my dad died, i lost my business, and, tried to move, start over and over and over
but, nothing is working...
I dont know what to do anylonger.
I have cried out to the Lord over and over, but, i dont hear anyanswers
I dont know how to make people hear me either....
When i open up, and cry, they shut down so fast, and, back away....
Im dying here, and no one gives a rats ass....
I know there are millions of people out there, why cant i FIND ONE?
Its as tho, I have become invisible, and, unvoiced.
Im ugly, over weight, and down on life, after loosing everyting in my life.
Job, lost everything, and still had faith...
Im trying to hang on, i trully am...
I am just so wishing, and praying, to find my purpose, my will, my desire
my passion in life.
Life is NOTHING WITH OUT PASSION....
I have had most all experiences but, nothing gave me hope in life like when i had passion.
I have cried out to Jesus, and, even tho, He seems to becoming more and more real to me, He isnt the Jesus they protray in church, or, reading from the Bible,
i feel so confused, but yet, no one else seems to "agree" they make me feel like some sort of totally lost soul....
The judgements I have gotten over the few months, have been terribly difficult to walk over. Jesus, had to walk over so many obsticles, how did he do it?
How did he keep his faith, of knowing he was walking in the right direction?
NO ONE in this town is going in the same direction as myself, or, at least no one has come aboard of knowing we are walking together.
My house mate/drunk/ says he is, but, he doesnt have a clue.....
he is just too drunk to have any sanity in his and my life right now...
He is a survivor, but, has lost his will to survive.....he just would rather drink, than work for a living.
He seems to think the money is just going to appear...
He wont admit where he gets the money for his booze, i know im not giving i tto him...and that really bothers me....if he can come up with money to get drunk
he can come up with money to pay bills...but...doesnt....and it pisses me off!
I cannot talk to him anylonger
he only hears me as
"bitching at him"
Dont tell me to go to alanon meetings, those women have lived out of distruction for so long, they have forgotten what it is like to live in it, or, are still living in it, and have no answers....
i have not been able to go to a meeting and "get it" so i quit going...
they say. "keep coming back" it works" but....i gave up....
I get off work, and im just too tired to face other people, so, i stay home
and get into my pity parties alone, at least i dont have to face others who dont get it either...
I just feel as tho, my life is drifting past me, im gettin older and older, but, not golder....
crotchity, and aches and pains, and mentally dissassociated
Im so sorry, i have failed so badly
I never have amounted to anything
i let my parents down terribly
I ended up divorced twice, which, even once in my adopted family was too many times!
It was nothing in my bio family to have people married, divorced, still married to first wife, while married to second, third, fourth....
shit, who knows how many wives he had!
and how many kids
his name was ROY ROOKS
if anyone is his kid, give me a holler
there are 7 of us that we know of, and im not sure if he is my bio dad, but, his wife was the mother of my other siblings
her name was Alberta M. Epperson/Rooks/Fisher
this is a long ways from my original beginning statements, but, this is where i began...
1952
Born of a poor woman
and the beginning of my daily blog is....what it is like to be poor....
back to my bigginnings
this website cant say it any better. I started out with nothing, went to having everything, and am back to nothing....
hanging on to a bare thread at the moment, and scared to death!
I have NEVER been to the point i have no money to pay my bills, but, i am damned near close. thanks to the drunk who lives with me. I took him in because he needed a place to live, and because I needed help in life....
we are a perfect fit, except, he has over stayed his welcome, has become a real bum who could care less about anyone but himself.
I am so sick of it, but, yet, dont know how to change anything.
Jobs in this town suck getting paid 9.00 an hour is a "privelage"
they make me feel like I OWE them EVERYTHING for working for a fucking 9.00 an hour, in 25 hour weeks, when they KNOW i cant afford to live on that...
the head elder of the church, complains if i work over time, and, bitches when i
have to wear my other work clothes to work so i can make a fast get away to be to my other job on time.
I have tried to give my self, tried to be nice, and loving, but, im becoming bitter, and angry....
Im deperatly hanging on, i have written on my blog since 2003 i think. When my dad died, i lost my business, and, tried to move, start over and over and over
but, nothing is working...
I dont know what to do anylonger.
I have cried out to the Lord over and over, but, i dont hear anyanswers
I dont know how to make people hear me either....
When i open up, and cry, they shut down so fast, and, back away....
Im dying here, and no one gives a rats ass....
I know there are millions of people out there, why cant i FIND ONE?
Its as tho, I have become invisible, and, unvoiced.
Im ugly, over weight, and down on life, after loosing everyting in my life.
Job, lost everything, and still had faith...
Im trying to hang on, i trully am...
I am just so wishing, and praying, to find my purpose, my will, my desire
my passion in life.
Life is NOTHING WITH OUT PASSION....
I have had most all experiences but, nothing gave me hope in life like when i had passion.
I have cried out to Jesus, and, even tho, He seems to becoming more and more real to me, He isnt the Jesus they protray in church, or, reading from the Bible,
i feel so confused, but yet, no one else seems to "agree" they make me feel like some sort of totally lost soul....
The judgements I have gotten over the few months, have been terribly difficult to walk over. Jesus, had to walk over so many obsticles, how did he do it?
How did he keep his faith, of knowing he was walking in the right direction?
NO ONE in this town is going in the same direction as myself, or, at least no one has come aboard of knowing we are walking together.
My house mate/drunk/ says he is, but, he doesnt have a clue.....
he is just too drunk to have any sanity in his and my life right now...
He is a survivor, but, has lost his will to survive.....he just would rather drink, than work for a living.
He seems to think the money is just going to appear...
He wont admit where he gets the money for his booze, i know im not giving i tto him...and that really bothers me....if he can come up with money to get drunk
he can come up with money to pay bills...but...doesnt....and it pisses me off!
I cannot talk to him anylonger
he only hears me as
"bitching at him"
Dont tell me to go to alanon meetings, those women have lived out of distruction for so long, they have forgotten what it is like to live in it, or, are still living in it, and have no answers....
i have not been able to go to a meeting and "get it" so i quit going...
they say. "keep coming back" it works" but....i gave up....
I get off work, and im just too tired to face other people, so, i stay home
and get into my pity parties alone, at least i dont have to face others who dont get it either...
I just feel as tho, my life is drifting past me, im gettin older and older, but, not golder....
crotchity, and aches and pains, and mentally dissassociated
Im so sorry, i have failed so badly
I never have amounted to anything
i let my parents down terribly
I ended up divorced twice, which, even once in my adopted family was too many times!
It was nothing in my bio family to have people married, divorced, still married to first wife, while married to second, third, fourth....
shit, who knows how many wives he had!
and how many kids
his name was ROY ROOKS
if anyone is his kid, give me a holler
there are 7 of us that we know of, and im not sure if he is my bio dad, but, his wife was the mother of my other siblings
her name was Alberta M. Epperson/Rooks/Fisher
this is a long ways from my original beginning statements, but, this is where i began...
1952
Born of a poor woman
and the beginning of my daily blog is....what it is like to be poor....
back to my bigginnings
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