Cancer is like the fuel pump being clogged to our body

all that sludge creats problems with the engine, manifold, gas lines

then, everything starts going down wrong, then it just eats away the
carburator

before long, its too late to do anything about it
and the vehicle dies

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I was a hippy at heart when i was in school,
but thought i was sophisticated, and upper class
or, I wanted to be...
but, I wasnt, I was a low class
bimbo

To love, and to let go

Nothing prepared me to be flooded witih the feelings for my ex, as when he came to live with me. Nothing prepared me to know, he had once stood at the side of my bed, trying to crawl in...when the mother of his son rejected him....and now will have nothing to do with me.
Being at my age of 55, sex has been out of my life for over 7 years. I was not prepared to feel the feelings I had not felt for all of those years. Living with an alcoholic for the last 7 years, keeping my sanity just in daily life. Left me feeling as if no one would ever want me again, so, I just let myself go.
Now....here is the one man I Loved with all my heart and soul so many years ago, wanted to be loved back by him, but..never could fit his mold...of what he wanted ...because he never told me....what he wanted...

now...to know he has his profile on many websites looking for women, and im in the same house...wanting him....and not being able to have him, is eating me alive...
trying to stay in my own space and not invade his space, is very difficult.

Finding and reading the book "The Root of Rejection" by Joyce Meyer has been my salvation...

I just hope i can injest every word, and bring it to life into my heart, I want so badly to live it, know it, and teach it to others who have been rejected in their lives.

Rejection....the basic of all emotional roots... brought on by being rejected at birth ,and never being able to live up to the expectations of my own eyes, to be good enough for anyone to ever want me...


I thank God for bringing this book into my life, it has saved me, from throwing myself at someone who obviosly does not want me, and, I have to learn to let go, and let God...
I have always believed everything happens for a reason.
The purpose for the ex coming back into my life, if nothing else, is to learn to let go...and be left with self dignity.

I have never been able to let go with out feeling totaly rejected....
Im 55 and, you would think by now, i could have my shit together but, but everytime, I think I might have my head together, something/ someone comes along and shows me how far from the truth i live.

When he moved in, I thought I could handle i... after 10 years...we had both moved on, we both had new lives.
but....did we?
He does or, at least wants me to believe he does...
why do i doubt that?
Because of the games he seems to enjoy playing with my heart and head....
I cant even start on all of the facts I know...to be true...and falsities which leave gaping wholes in his stories....

Here is an excerpt of the book...
and, I hope, someday I can help teach others not to fall back, but to take steps forward into the new life with out rejection holding them back...

"He was despised and rejected and forsaken by men, a Man of sorrows and pains, and acquainted with grief and sickness; and like One from Whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we did not appreciate His worth or have any esteem for Him.—Isaiah 53:3"
from The Root of Rejection by Joyce Meyer.

read it...digest it....live it....

be FREE.....

Amazing night

Feeling as if I had made the biggest mistake in allowing my ex to move back in with me.
The first month brought about some pretty hurtful times, and some fun times.
Some fights, some self preservation in all of us, and, some time that just didnt make much sence.

We all are trying to make good of a weird situation. If there is anyone who has gone thru life
with this type of situation, I would really love to hear from you.
Life doesnt come with a book of rules other than the Bible, and. I dont know that it talks aoubt threesome relationships other than, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost..


I have always had the huge ability to love more than one person at a time, now, i guess
I am living my fantacy?
Who knows, but for the moment it is working. who knows aobut tomorrow.
Living in the house with two other house mates, and no one having sex, if a very frustrating time for most of us.....the two who share a bed have no chemistry what so ever...
the other two....i dnot know if they will ever get together.
But...a nice sit down conversation was a good start last night...for that I THANK YOU!
Instead of walking on egg shells, the shell has been broken, and maybe now we can all move on....
It has taken me 55 years to get to the point of living on the edge, hanging on to the thinnest thread immaginable. I have not dropped yet, God is Good...
hopefully, He will throw me a rope to hang on to, nice and thick....

Devine Intervention

We drove to Norton Friday night, and, as we got closer to Norton, I remember thinking, ya gotta watch out for the deer's.....
We were with in 5 miles to the nice town of Norton KS, out in the middle of NO WHERE...and, coming over a hill, I saw, a deer...
standing off to the left of the center line....Scared she was going to run infront of me, I started to steer to the right, but, then realized there was another deer right where I was heading....I hit the breaks but did not panic!
As I felt the car gliding slower and steered to the left..just as the deer darted forward, right in front of me....(it all seemed so sureal...like I was not the one in control of the car at that moment)
The car hit the deer on the drivers side....the Explorer came to a complete stop, the deer skidded off to the ditch and the other deer ran in the other direction.

Partner got out, to check out the damage....
Amazingingly.....
not one broken light, or dent in the car...
After having stories of 2 other deer-car collisions in our church family, I felt as tho mine was a definite Divine Intervention...
We drove on to Norton, a bit shaken, but, mostly amazed that the car was not damaged at all. Not knowing if the deer was dead or alive, we should have stopped to see, but knowing there was nothing we could do about it if she was injured, no gun to take care of the poor thing. I said a little prayer that she didn't have to suffer and went on. The next morning we drove back to see if she was there, and, not really sure where we were in mileage we did see a dead deer but it seemed closer into town than what partner seemed to think would have been ours, but, it was the only dead one along the road....further down in the ditch than what I thought mine had skidded, so she may have been able to move a bit further but not too far...
None the less, I am so sorry I ended the life of a little innocent creature of God, but so thankful for His intervention to slow the car down to not hit the deer so hard that it could have caused so much damage to the car that we would have had serious problems getting back to hometown usa.

Just when I thought life couldnt get any weirder...

http://WWW.helpself.Com/IQ-test.HTML

An outstanding example of emotional health is the average two-year-old, who often displays a full range of emotions. Emotions are usually freely expressed and felt by the two-year-old, and therefore stuckness in any one emotion for more than a couple of minutes doesn't happen often. Once felt, emotions change. Without emotional change one stays discomfited, clear evidence of skewed emotional expression. This is a commonly overlooked truism about emotions - once they are felt properly, they disappear, thus making room for the next feeling or emotion. (The root of the word, e-motion, implies motion or change.)



Now this in it's self is heavy duty to a person who struggles daily with emotional health, but, when it implies motion or change......

If you have read any of my blog over the years you will have learned about all of the changes in my life, over and over I have tried to make my life better, and more rewarding, and, just find a way to live emotionally, and financially.

Change....the more I try, the more I find myself going in circles.

Running away from emotional problems, teen age years, taking me into a marriage I never should have dove into, but, being the head strong, strong willed child, no one could tell me no.

So, marriage was the only way I could see to get out of the home I grew up hating more and more.

Now, 39 years later, I am back in the same neighborhood that I never wanted to live in, but, where my parents moved to.

With so many experiences behind me, and, what happens next?

Since everything that has happened is logged on to my "journal" here online, and I am not a
novel writer. I am not sure how to catch up todate, except just write a brief back ground.
It hasn't even been that exciting. Nothing majorly growth promoting, alot of painful experiences, and, alot of just major wonderment of why do I do the things I do!!!

I guess I am just so blind to life's lessons, and cannot seem to hear the spiritual voices leading me thru, so, I just keep going around the same mountains.

I think I know most stones, branches, and ruts by name, and I know the AA saying, if you want change, you have to do things differently. Then why CANT I SEE different routes out?


Just when I thought life couldn't get any weirder, my 2nd EX shows up at my door, needing a place to stay. WHY AM I SO STUPID.....but, I could NOT- not reach out to someone I have loved with all of my heart and soul for half of my married life. Being divorced now for 10 years, thinking all of the love was gone, and there was no way to fix what was broke all of those years ago. I divorced him not knowing he had an addiction to porn, and meth. HOOOOOOOW was I so blind?

and, now, to bring him back into my home?

We had kept in touch while he was in prison, and, after he got out, OMG he looked so good standing at the door. I just wanted to kiss him, and love him and have him back. We became friends again kind of.
But, he had changed, I had changed, he had a son now, a new woman in his life, so, I kept my distance. fast forward .....
3 years gone by, his sons mother used him up, spit him out, and left him there to die, in her own meth labyrinth that tangles so many up. He won't admit it but I think she set him up to get him out of their sons life, now, he has lost all rights to his son as well as herself. I don't now if they have anything to do with each other but, as far as I know they don't.

He spent the last 6 months in a county jail for his "perseverance" of trying to get papers out of her house that he was supposed to sign to keep his son, but instead, cops showed up and took him back to jail for disorderly conduct, and what ever else she conjoured up against him.

Knowing only one side of the story, and knowing him as the man I used to be married to, I want to believe his story. But, I'm not totally stupid, I do know, there are always two sides to every story!

Up to date, right before Christmas he shows up at my door, no place to stay, & no job.Being the person I am, I accepted his offer to come stay, look for a job, and help pay the bills. Since my
live in partner was supposed to go into a 9 month program for alcoholics, I figured, well, I have the room, I need the extra funds, OK we can try it.

The first inkling that this was not going to work was......SURPRISE....I STILL HAD FEELINGS FOR THIS GUY!!! I have lived a life with no sex for over 7 years, and, now, here is the guy I had once enjoyed a GREAT sex life with, and, he is living in my home, along with my live in partner......mmm this is NOT GOING TO WORK!
If it wasnt so pathetic, it would be quite humorus....living with two men, and I cant get laid!
The live in wouldnt mind if I had a bit going with the ex, but, it is just too uncomfortable in a small house, two men, one woman.... I AM NOT going to throw myself at him!

Little did I know or think about everything it would entail. Never thinking about feelings that were un finished all those years ago, never thinking about how, our own changes would effect each other. NEVER THINKING.... it is very difficult for me to understand, how, my head can do so much thinking, but never come up with the right actions!!!! AM I REALLY THAT STUPID?

My live in, didnt go to the 9 month program, he had not been released from his DUI court date. The center for the program will not take him until he has completed the court date. So, he has no job, but looking for temporary job. The Ex, has no job, and eats like a horse! Here we are two weeks before payday, and, no money, little food. Being poor really SUX MR BUSH, I wish you could do with out for a while!

My first day of him staying here, I came home with great expectations, had he looked for a job?
Was he going out putting in applications? He says very little to me, and is quick to cut me off at the knees when I asked him anything. So, my next thought was to check the history on the ole computer, see where he has been.....so to speak.
To my shock, and I dont know why.....of course...porn sites.....no job sites!
Adult friend finders, and, no JOB SITES.....

Oh MY DEAR SWEET SELF.....why!!!!
My feelings were not for him, but the remembering the pain i felt all the years of marriage to him, never knowing where he was after work, all the times, I wanted to communicate with him, and, no words were there. All of the times, I thought we were close, but, it was only a sexual lust. Unfinished and no closure for when I left him, he never said he didnt want me to leave or stay..... he just opened the door and let me walk out....
As I sat there thinking about how he is living in my home, and looking for a sex partner, and wont even talk to me. Ooh the flood of rejection I felt all those years ago, flooded back, smacking me in the face. As I sat on the couch, numb, tears rolling down my face, unable to talk to him about what I had discovered. The phone rang, it was my boss, the preacher, asking me if I was ok. As my mind quickly wondered all over the place trying to come to, I said, "yes, why?"
and I realized.... I had totally forgotten about the church board meeting, and I was 35 minutes LATE!

the end of a perfect christmas vacation

well, Christmas is over...
boy did it come fast for you too?
I cannot believe it has come and gone, and,
we in Kansas actually had a white Christmas!
its been years since we have had actual snow to enjoy over the Christmas vacation.
We took Jessica to the "hill" in town, built (pile of dirt) at the local park, so when we did actually have a snow we could go enjoy sledding...instead of sliding down the entrance ramps of 1-35!!
or being pulled behind a tractor on snow skies pulled by a ski rope.....oh what fun!!

there were not many people out there, I think people have forgotten the joys of sledding...
Jessica had my old sled from the 50's, and she out slid those kids on the new fangled saucers, and tubes. In fact she sat down, rob pushed her, and I looked up only to see her coming straight for me, and 2 other people right behind me
I turned around and said," MOVE MOVE GET OUT OF THE WAY"....We all jumped out of the way, and she went air bound over one of the plastic tabogans...it was hillarious, just like something in a movie...we all just stood their and died laughing.....
(all except the guy I was yelling at, he looked at me like, "Lady why are you yelling at me?")
She landed and said, "Wow lets do that again"

Reminds me of the day I was riding my 125 Honda around the curve in Missouri, and I missed the curve, ended up going about 50 feet into some-ones yard...getting stopped about 2 ft from a trailer house. My (Briana) 3 year old sits calmly on the front of my bike and said "Wow mom do dat again"
As my heart pounded through my chest, I laughed until I cried realializing & knowing I could have killed my child...

BUT....all three of us have a sense of adventure.... :)
now, its GREAT to know my granddaughter is going to have one....YEHA...only hope I can help her go less painful paths.......and make it further than I did...before falling oft to painville....(getin old is for the birds!)

here's to my 7 year old adventurist....


Sunday ends the vacation with a dinner at the "Budde's" I was actually invited so ought to go..

Robs sister asked him to come help her with putting a stair case in her new home, since he owes her big bucks...I will take him up there on new years eve, to look at the place, and give her an idea how much it is going to cost.
We don't know yet, about his homeless shelter program, since the court date seems to be in limbo.
I thought we had it all figured out but, I guess God has other plans, I just hope we make the right choices, we have seemed to make so many wrong ones over the years....Living by faith over the years, not worrying about the consequences seemed a lot easier....took us down some wild roads, and gave us a lot of challenges...
now...asking for help spiritually, and, not really knowing if we are asking for God's will, or our own....is the challenge...
and waiting for his answers is teaching patience
seeking his wisdom, not really sure how to do this, for, reading His word doesn't always speak to Rob or I....is this because we have not been selected to receive, or be blessed with God's Word, or just don't read enough, it just seems so difficult to understand.....plus, I know....its a very big lack of discipline our own fleshly parts...(how does one get this?) I say I want to know the lord but, something keeps me out of the word....

Shes coming back

Depression....the one that seems to know me best. It would be fitting to name her I guess? Depre' she is now named, and from now on will be known as Depre'. I have fought with her as long as I can remember, and to go back and figure out when she first started visiting me the best i can do is.....ALL OF MY LIFE. If I were to go thru therapy regression as they call it, I think, the day my bio mother held me, said good bye to me, kissed me and said "I will always love you but I cannot take you home with me" Depre' latched on to me and has never let go. My earliest memories of being depressed were the rejection of so called friends in our little home town of Potwin KS. Unknown to me at the time, everyone else was related to each other, and I was the outsider.
Not knowing that, made it hard to understand why the kids had birthday parties and didnt invite me. Why they all went to the same church, and all had so much fun together. Why the kids at the end of the block all played together and very seldomly invited me to come join them. Other than the fact that, when I would go into the house to my bedroom and stay there all day....not wanting to tell my adoptive mom why I was in my bedroom. She always wanted to go fix everything. I became embarressed when she would go out and yell at the kids
so, it was just easier to go to my room, and stay there. I remember crying alot....wishing I werent alone. KNowing I had brothers and sisters out there somewhere didnt help me much, it just made me want to know where they were.
Being alone, one would think I would have developed my imagination.
I remember laying in bed, looking at the light fixture, it had a design something like a lymbryth. I remember following the lines, hopeing it would take me to the place.....
Its time to go to work....the place....for now....