From: Annell C Holland [mailto:achol@juno.com] Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2005 8:08 PM
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who won't survive the week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 20 million people around the world.
If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than almost three billion people in the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare, especially in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.
You are so blessed in ways you may never even know.
This blessing will only keep working if it is continuously passed around. If you are a recipient of a blessing, keep the blessing working by being the source of blessing to other people.
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Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
how many people dont have?????
this came thru email right after I wrote my blog last night, amazing how things seem to cross over once in a while.
so few times do i see answers to physical prayers, but, many times answers come in ways not expected....
so few times do i see answers to physical prayers, but, many times answers come in ways not expected....
Monday, April 25, 2005
moving slow in the mud
Mud is what I have been pulling my butt thru, shit doesnt even come close to saying how I feel about my life!
I know I have so much to be thankfull for, General things such as life its self, or, actually, if we are to hate life, then, why do they always tell us we should be thankful for life?
Jesus says to hate life, look forward to our life with our FATHER
Thankful for Life, air to breath, how much longer will that last?
Thankful for Life, homes to live in.....how many people are homeless tonight?
Thankful for Life, beds to sleep in.....how many people have nothing to sleep in, or, even a blanket to cover with??????
Thankful for Life, water to drink.....how many people have polluted water, or, no water to drink??????
Thankful for Life, family to love......how many people have no family close by, with the movement of our society, how many people even live close to family?
Thankful for Life, friends to enjoy.......how many people have known a person deep enough to call true friend?
Thankful for Life, for health.....how many people suffer from unknown diseases, cancers, heart failure, diabetes....and have no insurance, doctors, medications, or even knowledge of what to do????
Thankful for Life, and the food to sustain it....how many people go to bed with out something to eat, for days at a time?
Thankful for Life, Comforts.....how many people have never enjoyed one comfort in life?
Thankful for Life, Enjoyments......how many people have no fun, can only identify with war, with poverty, with no imagination to bring enjoyment into life
Thankful for Life, Money.....how many people work for low wages, not enough to live a comfortable, enjoyable, healthy life???
I am thankful for everything listed, and most probably more than what is listed, I know I have not been thankful outloud, I have bitched and complained about life, and all the bullshit that has come my way. I know I have alienated people, and got to the place of not having friends, or anyone who cares. It always seems if I share how crappy my life is, people dont know how to respond, so, they just dont respond, dont want to listen much....
I just want to know how enjoy what i have. I have so much, but, yet so little. I have lost every penny I have been given, which has been ALOT.....every "adventure" I have taken, has taken me to the poor house....
I enoyed each one, and loved the work, enjoyed the people, enjoyed the lifestyle, altho, it was laboring to work day after day for nothing, and see my income never develope.
Frustration, has been such a heavy thing, I just cant take it anylonger.
I dont know know how to get past being a failure, and, not seeing a future.....
I have a job now, not anything I want to do, but, at least I enjoy the people, my body hurts so bad when i get off work, i have no energy to have a life past crashing on the couch....
I dont know how to find the help I need. I hurt so bad, and have no insurance, and know I cannot affort more bills.
I had to quit paying my credit cards accured from my last 4 years, everything I have worked for, everypenny i have inherited, every day of my platimum credit rating is gone, taken away, lost, gone, and not one person has asked how im holding up, or, how i am dealing with my losses. My daddy dies, my business dies, my money drains out, my
house mate situation sucks, my own children have lives, I dont want to bother them....
and my grandaughter 4, doesnt even like to come see nana or, even talk to me on the phone. That hurt so bad, she might has well cut my heart out.....Im always so tired, and cranky when she comes, its no wonder she doesnt like coming here.
Always when my life falls apart, which is often, no one is around. Then, I feel so rejected, I pull away....
I did the same thing when my mother died.....
I did the same thing when my inlaws died.....
I did the same thing when my dad died......
Am I wrong, or, are my "friends"?
Rob has been my only friend, he has stood by me thru all the shit, he has listened to me when i was pissed, and moaning and groaning....and, some days i feel like he understands other times, I feel like he is just using me, just a place to be, but doesnt want to give anything back....
all I ask for is companionship, communication, and, relationship....
I know I have so much to be thankfull for, General things such as life its self, or, actually, if we are to hate life, then, why do they always tell us we should be thankful for life?
Jesus says to hate life, look forward to our life with our FATHER
Thankful for Life, air to breath, how much longer will that last?
Thankful for Life, homes to live in.....how many people are homeless tonight?
Thankful for Life, beds to sleep in.....how many people have nothing to sleep in, or, even a blanket to cover with??????
Thankful for Life, water to drink.....how many people have polluted water, or, no water to drink??????
Thankful for Life, family to love......how many people have no family close by, with the movement of our society, how many people even live close to family?
Thankful for Life, friends to enjoy.......how many people have known a person deep enough to call true friend?
Thankful for Life, for health.....how many people suffer from unknown diseases, cancers, heart failure, diabetes....and have no insurance, doctors, medications, or even knowledge of what to do????
Thankful for Life, and the food to sustain it....how many people go to bed with out something to eat, for days at a time?
Thankful for Life, Comforts.....how many people have never enjoyed one comfort in life?
Thankful for Life, Enjoyments......how many people have no fun, can only identify with war, with poverty, with no imagination to bring enjoyment into life
Thankful for Life, Money.....how many people work for low wages, not enough to live a comfortable, enjoyable, healthy life???
I am thankful for everything listed, and most probably more than what is listed, I know I have not been thankful outloud, I have bitched and complained about life, and all the bullshit that has come my way. I know I have alienated people, and got to the place of not having friends, or anyone who cares. It always seems if I share how crappy my life is, people dont know how to respond, so, they just dont respond, dont want to listen much....
I just want to know how enjoy what i have. I have so much, but, yet so little. I have lost every penny I have been given, which has been ALOT.....every "adventure" I have taken, has taken me to the poor house....
I enoyed each one, and loved the work, enjoyed the people, enjoyed the lifestyle, altho, it was laboring to work day after day for nothing, and see my income never develope.
Frustration, has been such a heavy thing, I just cant take it anylonger.
I dont know know how to get past being a failure, and, not seeing a future.....
I have a job now, not anything I want to do, but, at least I enjoy the people, my body hurts so bad when i get off work, i have no energy to have a life past crashing on the couch....
I dont know how to find the help I need. I hurt so bad, and have no insurance, and know I cannot affort more bills.
I had to quit paying my credit cards accured from my last 4 years, everything I have worked for, everypenny i have inherited, every day of my platimum credit rating is gone, taken away, lost, gone, and not one person has asked how im holding up, or, how i am dealing with my losses. My daddy dies, my business dies, my money drains out, my
house mate situation sucks, my own children have lives, I dont want to bother them....
and my grandaughter 4, doesnt even like to come see nana or, even talk to me on the phone. That hurt so bad, she might has well cut my heart out.....Im always so tired, and cranky when she comes, its no wonder she doesnt like coming here.
Always when my life falls apart, which is often, no one is around. Then, I feel so rejected, I pull away....
I did the same thing when my mother died.....
I did the same thing when my inlaws died.....
I did the same thing when my dad died......
Am I wrong, or, are my "friends"?
Rob has been my only friend, he has stood by me thru all the shit, he has listened to me when i was pissed, and moaning and groaning....and, some days i feel like he understands other times, I feel like he is just using me, just a place to be, but doesnt want to give anything back....
all I ask for is companionship, communication, and, relationship....
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Stuck
Its been weeks since I have been here, and, so much has happened, but, yet nothing has happened.
Im still the slug on the couch, unable to see opportunity for jobs, going on interviews being turned down, not even being turned down, just not being hired! I guess people dont call or write turn down letters anylonger. I have called to check on jobs and they tell me they are still in the "interview" sessions, or, no decision has been made, or, just no call backs. I just feel so lost, invisible, unloved, unwanted. I could go on and on, but, being pittiful, and yucky seems to be the norm lately. I dont even call friends anylonger for the fear of just being on a pitty party again, and not wanting to alienate them more than they already are.
Church people say, just have Faith, know God is in control, My faith has been stretched, wadded up, thrown in my face, and pushed aside so many times, nothing makes any sence anylonger.
I know reaching out to those who are less fortunate is a way of getting relief of being so down on ones self, but, I just dont feel I have anything to give anyone anylonger. I used to be the one who reached out to anyone in need, but, anymore, I just dont even care. I feel I have reached and reached, and when I need, no one knows how to help....
I have two guys in my home, who dont give anything, one is a zombie on meds who cant, or wont talk much, the other is a recovering alcoholic, who has been there for me while he was drunk, now that he is sober, he makes me feel as tho Im the sick one. He has had two jobs in the last 6 months, one being a very good job, but he quit do to the stress factors, and his drinking at that time. I gave him ultimatum of getting out, or quit drinking, no middle of the road.
He quit drikning, we felt it was a miracle from God, and I still praise Him for the healing which was given to him.
BUT....where has it gotten us, we still dont communicate, we still live like barely even a sister and brother would, in a household that doesnt talk, doesnt do fun things, cant find jobs, sit in front of computers day in and day out, not having any goals, or any points of interest. I CANT STAND THIS ANYLONGER!!!! BUT WHAT DO I DO?????
How do I over come this pile of shit I have landed in?
How do I get out of it?
Im still the slug on the couch, unable to see opportunity for jobs, going on interviews being turned down, not even being turned down, just not being hired! I guess people dont call or write turn down letters anylonger. I have called to check on jobs and they tell me they are still in the "interview" sessions, or, no decision has been made, or, just no call backs. I just feel so lost, invisible, unloved, unwanted. I could go on and on, but, being pittiful, and yucky seems to be the norm lately. I dont even call friends anylonger for the fear of just being on a pitty party again, and not wanting to alienate them more than they already are.
Church people say, just have Faith, know God is in control, My faith has been stretched, wadded up, thrown in my face, and pushed aside so many times, nothing makes any sence anylonger.
I know reaching out to those who are less fortunate is a way of getting relief of being so down on ones self, but, I just dont feel I have anything to give anyone anylonger. I used to be the one who reached out to anyone in need, but, anymore, I just dont even care. I feel I have reached and reached, and when I need, no one knows how to help....
I have two guys in my home, who dont give anything, one is a zombie on meds who cant, or wont talk much, the other is a recovering alcoholic, who has been there for me while he was drunk, now that he is sober, he makes me feel as tho Im the sick one. He has had two jobs in the last 6 months, one being a very good job, but he quit do to the stress factors, and his drinking at that time. I gave him ultimatum of getting out, or quit drinking, no middle of the road.
He quit drikning, we felt it was a miracle from God, and I still praise Him for the healing which was given to him.
BUT....where has it gotten us, we still dont communicate, we still live like barely even a sister and brother would, in a household that doesnt talk, doesnt do fun things, cant find jobs, sit in front of computers day in and day out, not having any goals, or any points of interest. I CANT STAND THIS ANYLONGER!!!! BUT WHAT DO I DO?????
How do I over come this pile of shit I have landed in?
How do I get out of it?
Friday, March 25, 2005
breaking thru?
Today in session with pastor, he broke thru some things with me,
one that i have walked for 30 years with out any spousal covering, the load has just gotten so immensely heavy and, i have been PISSED at GOD! not in those words, and, I didn't even really admit i was pissed until we were in the truck on the way home....
sooooooo, not even sure Pissed is the right word, always knowing being angry is an option but not wanting to choose to be, i tried to candy coat it???? or something like that....
I know the pity party i had for me was really kind of a grieving thing, giving up family, giving up dreams, giving up self....feelings of being such a failure, looser, and unworthy skum.....
thank you for being there for me....
Knowing that when Jesus was talking to his disciples telling them if they wanted to be like him, they had to drink from the cup, and, take the life he has walked.....
I think I have always backed away at that point, not wanting to totally give up self to allow him to be totally with in me....
I talked to pastor about my anger of having to be back in hometown usA, etc, he even admitted he didn't want to come back here after they had been away from it while in the city up north!!! He said, you wont find any condemnation from me on your anger for not wanting to be back here....(HAHA), then spoke about the challenges set before us for being back here, and that God chose us to be here for a purpose!
Anyway, just wanted to bring you up to where I am at this moment...
trying to unload the bedroom, to get it started on paint project, since I really feel we need to get this thing done before we end up working jobs and wont feel like working when we get home..
we have waisted way too much time already....
I start a itsy bitsy job tonight for Gophers, Fri and Sat nights, but at least it will be something for a while till something else comes along.
one that i have walked for 30 years with out any spousal covering, the load has just gotten so immensely heavy and, i have been PISSED at GOD! not in those words, and, I didn't even really admit i was pissed until we were in the truck on the way home....
sooooooo, not even sure Pissed is the right word, always knowing being angry is an option but not wanting to choose to be, i tried to candy coat it???? or something like that....
I know the pity party i had for me was really kind of a grieving thing, giving up family, giving up dreams, giving up self....feelings of being such a failure, looser, and unworthy skum.....
thank you for being there for me....
Knowing that when Jesus was talking to his disciples telling them if they wanted to be like him, they had to drink from the cup, and, take the life he has walked.....
I think I have always backed away at that point, not wanting to totally give up self to allow him to be totally with in me....
I talked to pastor about my anger of having to be back in hometown usA, etc, he even admitted he didn't want to come back here after they had been away from it while in the city up north!!! He said, you wont find any condemnation from me on your anger for not wanting to be back here....(HAHA), then spoke about the challenges set before us for being back here, and that God chose us to be here for a purpose!
Anyway, just wanted to bring you up to where I am at this moment...
trying to unload the bedroom, to get it started on paint project, since I really feel we need to get this thing done before we end up working jobs and wont feel like working when we get home..
we have waisted way too much time already....
I start a itsy bitsy job tonight for Gophers, Fri and Sat nights, but at least it will be something for a while till something else comes along.
Friday, March 18, 2005
its been a while
its been a while since I have been here, been trying to go to church, and feel the effects.
My partner was delivered from his alcoholism, and, we still cant really "believe"
I feel like one of those poems that gets passed around, stating "God show me a miracle" and then still keep asking for more!
I guess not being able to find a job is keeping me in limbo, knowing my age, my unfit physical shape, makes me
not want to even look for a job anymore.
I was hoping to find something online which would bring in the dollars, one hears of people making all of this money
online, but yet when I have invested in so many different programs, and, cant make them work, it just makes me feel as tho I am just too stupid to live!
My partner was delivered from his alcoholism, and, we still cant really "believe"
I feel like one of those poems that gets passed around, stating "God show me a miracle" and then still keep asking for more!
I guess not being able to find a job is keeping me in limbo, knowing my age, my unfit physical shape, makes me
not want to even look for a job anymore.
I was hoping to find something online which would bring in the dollars, one hears of people making all of this money
online, but yet when I have invested in so many different programs, and, cant make them work, it just makes me feel as tho I am just too stupid to live!
its been a while
Only to find me in the nowhere land of lala land!
I have been doing the church thing, wanting it to be totally real, but, somehow still not so sure!
my partner is free from alcohol because of prayer and willingness to let go, and let god, but, I think he is in the same space as I am, not being totally sure we believe!
I feel like one of those poems that asks God to prove himself, so he sends all types of miracles, and I still cant believe!
Being unable to find a decent job, and, not being able to see any open doors, knowing there are people online who make their livings off of online dealings, but I just feel too stupid to make it work, I have p ut a lot of money out on online business deals, and always end up loosing my butt!
What do I do?
where do I turn?
no one can seem to help me....
Fighting depression sux....
I have been doing the church thing, wanting it to be totally real, but, somehow still not so sure!
my partner is free from alcohol because of prayer and willingness to let go, and let god, but, I think he is in the same space as I am, not being totally sure we believe!
I feel like one of those poems that asks God to prove himself, so he sends all types of miracles, and I still cant believe!
Being unable to find a decent job, and, not being able to see any open doors, knowing there are people online who make their livings off of online dealings, but I just feel too stupid to make it work, I have p ut a lot of money out on online business deals, and always end up loosing my butt!
What do I do?
where do I turn?
no one can seem to help me....
Fighting depression sux....
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