Shot twice

I cannot imagine the pain my uncle must have been in to shoot himself twice in the head in order to stop the pain perminetly...
How in the world would an 89 year old man pull the trigger on a gun, twice, once thru the mouth, and once thru the forhead?
Supposedly it was investigated, and rulled suicide, but, how!

I need to grieve, but, his son didnt invite me over to be with the family, I have no one else, so, I grieve alone.
That is nothing new to me tho, so, I should be used to it by now.
I grieved the death of 4 loved ones who were killed in a horrid wreck, a semi running their car down like a sitting duck.
I have mentioned their deaths before so wont go into it again, but, none the less, I had no one to grieve with then either.
I finally found a grief support group back in 1978, exactly 33 years from today. Only thing it was a Monday, coming home from a family reunion. Killed, all of them, mom, dad, two sisters, the only thing i can be thankfull for is my children were not in the car.....I could not have survived it if they had been.
We had driven many miles to arkansas trading children in the car, so, it could have been with my children involved, but THANK YOU LORD JESUS, you saved me of that pain.

My marriage, if you want to call it that, was in trouble before the wreck, in fact, from the day one, the night of my wedding, I knew I had made a mistake, but, I was in love with love, in love with the wedding process, in love with the excitement of a change in my life, to get away from my strict parents. In those days, girls my age, 17, didnt have the choice of getting a roommate and trying to live alone, to go to school and become something more than a house wife.

That was all I ever wanted to be, a wife, mother, gardner, I hated cleaning house, but, would have gladly cooked millions of meals. My mother always cleaned, I always tried to cook. I didnt learn how to cook tho.
Mother wasnt a very good cook, so, never asked her to teach me. My mother inlaw was a fabulous cook.
She could cook with a COOK!!!
I learned to eat, and enjoy it, and, now, trying to loose all of those pounds that built up over the last 35 years.

Funny how, I have lost almost everyone I have ever loved, who has ever loved me, other than my children, and, they have too, they have gone on in their lives, we never talk about grieving, they dont seem to need to talk about it, so, I dont want to bother them with it.
My uncle shot himself, their two best friends shot themselves too, as teenagers......
they have moved on, how did they grieve with out me?
why am i having such a difficult time feeling the need to grieve, but, being alone in it.

if they come after me will there be anyone who cares?

Dark Skies
Where would I be with out you baby....
Life has been so difficult, as, Im sure it is to others too.
What is the goal in life?
What is life all about?
Why is it so difficult to "live"?
Financially.....emotionally......physically.....spiritually......in all aspects, I have no answeres......

If they come after me, will there be anyone who cares?

I cant seem to find a happy place in my life, everytime I start to get back up, I get knocked down again.

my realitives are all "happy Christians" whom i am sure things went bad for, but, they never washed their dirty laundry out to dry so to speak.....
they always say things like, keep your faith in the Lord, keep your chin up, dont look back, look forward to the big reunion in the sky.....
I guess as long as so many of my loved ones have died, I can look forward to seeing them all, because I have always been taught to believe in God, Jesus, and the after life....
But, what if there isnt any....what if this is what we get.....
What if this is Hell on earth, and its all a big test.....
what if we have someone watching us daily to see how screwed up our souls really are?

WHAT DONT YOU UNDERSTAND?

I dont want you to be drunk when I get home!
I dont want you to be an asshole when I get home
and I dont want you here if you cant seem to learn these two things!

I dont ask much, I dont require much, but, I want to be able to come home and not have a fight on my hands!
I want to be able to come home and enjoy what time im home, and not working....not being totally worn out physically, then, have to come home and be totally worn out emotionally too!
I am having enough problems getting my crap together with out having to get your fucking crap together too!

I AM NOT YOUR MOMMY!
I am not your mother
I am not your sister
I am not youer fucking ex wife!
I am not your ex girlfriend
I am not the one who has disc'ed you
I am not your FATHER who abused you
I am just me, I want respect, I want to be loved
and I want to not have to put up with YOU!

Dragon Queen

Dragon ass, queen of dead tired!

How can I learn to survive life, with being dead tired all of the time?
Life is to be lived, and enjoyed, and creative, God tells us to go out and creat, he was the creationist of all time, and, he tells us to be like him, but, damn, the lessons and the learning it takes to be like him is so difficult.
Why cant I get a hold on it?
Why has my life been so full, so rich with experience, but it is kicking me in the ass, instead of rejouvenating me?
I have no energy, no lite to keep me going, I feel as tho I am fading fast.
I a meer 52, but, feel so old, look old and frumpy, and feel as tho I might as well climb in my grave.
I feel as tho I have lived off of faith all of my life, I walked up the isle to the preacher at 10, knowing I wanted to be baptised, maybe at the time, I didnt realize what I was being baptised into, but, knowing that I wanted what ever it was that he was offering me that day. I wanted it more than anything in my life, and wanted to be loved like nothing else in my life.
My mom and dad loved me, I know they loved me because they told me so, or, at least my mom did, I think,
I dont remember unless i said it first, come to think of it, I dont remember them telling me that they loved me, in words, but, they showed me all of the time....... they gave me every material thing they possibly could, and they gave me a warm home, clean clothes, and food to eat. They gave me a home, which, my own biological mother couldnt do. I dont know enough of the story, because I have not been told the same story by anyone. I dont know the truthes of my life. With out knowing truths, nothing makes sence......
ITs so HARD to live on FAITH when, lies, and deciets and bent truths have been the only words spoken....
My adoptive family always seemed to love me, but, they have never been there for me, except if I call out to them.....never do they reach out to me....maybe feeling since my life sux so bad, they dont want to bother me?
But, it feels like they should at least call to see if i am doing ok, but, they dont....so I just keep plugging along.
When finding my bio family, they were interested in meeting me, but, interest didnt stay close ties were not built. A quick hello, and goodbye online is about all I can get anymore, and, when we do talk, its like we are all a part of different families.....because we were, none of us were raised by the same people, or branch of family.

I have always felt like an outcast.

We took a drive to the family cemetary, on the outskirts of the little town on the prairie where my great grandmother and grandfather, planted their house and family, and built a church, and became pillars of the town, not rich ones in money, but, rich in family and heritage.
Family and heritage which is something that I have always wanted, but, never recieved.
Was it because I didnt take enough of an interest?
or, was it just something that didnt materialize because I wasnt really a part of the family?
or, wasnt all that interested ? No, that isnt it, because family history was always an intrest to me, i wrote my senior term paper on family tree!
I know, going to family reunions is like torture, because no one ever remembers me.
When I go up to talk to the ones I know, we chat for a few minutes and they are ready to move on to someone else. I am not an interesting person to know, I must be really boring.

when there is nothing left, one can only surrender self....
this is a quote out of a website about Oprah, asking the crowd to surrender all.

Because her parents never married, the world told her she was illegitimate. Her birth was the result of a one-time union between teens during a clandestine after-school meeting under an oak tree, she said. Despite that, she said, ''I know that my life was no accident.'' ''God has a dream for you, Olivet,'' she said. "My prayer is that you go home today and ask Him, 'What is the dream for me?' ''Get still and ask him. Listen,'' she said. ''Surrender all,'' she whispered, and then sat down. The audience in turn stood up with a thunderous ovation.

Knowing that I was born in a relationship, not coming out of a loving marrage, but, an affair, what is the reason for my life?
It used to bring me much love, acceptence, and sense of belonging, when I could reach out to others, and give of myself. I no longer have that gift, or desire to reach out.
Where has my heart gone?
why am I so lucid to the needs of others?
I somehow feel used up, nothing left to give to anyone, let alone even caring if anyone needs me.
I feel as tho I have given time after time, but, have felt so very little back.
I know I was given much during my youth, and I didnt appreciate it, so, I guess this is my lesson coming back at me, knowing those days are gone, and those lessons went un headed until now in the sunset of my life.

Wealth has evaded me, happiness has poked its head out so few times in my life, and, peace has not been a constant companion. I have lost the ability to see a future.
I have lost the vision of newness in my life, the mud of the ruts has taken over my sight.

Listen to me, everything is ME< ME < ME....how into myself shall I fade before I find my way out?
the maze of life has taken me on full circle, and what lessons have I learned?
So many questions, and no answers.
So many mysteries to be found out, so many quests to take, so many journeys not traveled.
Why is it there seems to be such an urgency to getting things figured out?
Why do I feel as tho, no matter what I do, there is never going to be answers to me....
People tell me to have faith, that is all I have ever had, faith that answers would come along, faith that bills would be paid, and faith that love would absolve all...
where has it gotten me?
more questions, no money, and no love.
Love with in the heart leads the way, but the way is long and narrow, and finding the hole is impossible
unless the light is let out, but, so far, it has only been false light, possibly a exploding fart?

If they come after me, will there be anywhere to hide?

Would it even matter?
I have been left off here, left alone, to figure this thing out they call life.
Im 52, adopted, raised by two wonderful people, who, unfortunatly wanted nothing more than a child to love, and care for. They did a wonderful job of loving me, and caring for me, but, left me defenseless in this cold, harsh place called earth.

They gave me way too much when I was a small child, then, realized their mistake as I grew into an angry young teenager, and finally giving me nothing but pain and being alone during my adulthood...

I dont know where I will end up, but, at the moment, I feel as tho Im headed for the crazy house!
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He is still looking for a job, and, yes, he came back, not with my excitement but, I cant afford to be alone financially, and, emotionally.
I know I would go totally nuts if he wasnt here, there is no one else I can turn to when things go nuts. He is part of my reason for being nuts I realize that, but, at the same time, he has been the only one who is here when i really need someone.
I feel as tho God put us together for a reason, and if being here during this time is the reason, then, so be it.
I hope you can understand, my girl friends cant, they keep hounding me to get rid of him, but, they have husbands, and dont know how difficult it it to be alone, or have forgotten, not sure ....
I have never learned to be totally alone, which is strange, since I was raised an only child... but, that was during the time tv came into our homes, and it made a wonderful baby sitter!

How many other people have their lives so screwed up because our lives were given to us, and we dont have a reality check with life?
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Nothing in life makes sense, nothing gives me pleasure, nothing communicates with me, I am so alone, and no one can understand the pain I go thru.
Except one person, or so she says...but, I think she does, because I know she has been there.
She is this really cool old boot I met back in small town, hearing her story first back in the 60's on Larry Hatterberg. She seemed so confident, and full of hope. She had her hotel, called, Rosaleas Hotel.
colored brightly, and brought forward in town to reserect new life in a dying town.
She had a vision, and a story to be told. The towns people were not ready. They were not trusting her, they didnt see her vision, and instead, between the two, town and the woman, have distroyed the town literally!
She even wrote a story of the Oaisis on the Prairie.
She has tried to hold on to the past by restoring buildings but the towns people dont see it that way.
They only see it as her distroying the town by letting buildings go un reparied, but, DUH it takes MONEY!!!
WHICH they refuse to help her raise.
She has had to survive on her little bit of social security. Her historical restoration projects is funded by donations thru a fund she put together with her grandmothers name, and a few dollars she inherited from her death. The fund is non profit, and is funded by sales of her wonderful monthly historical record of the area.
She scours the area asking questions of the old timers, recording history while it is still alive.
Her dreams have not been fullfilled, but, she has lived a horrific, and, rewarding life.
I have high admiration of her, and wrote to Larry Hatterberg and asked him to do another story on her, 30 years later. He did, and it was a good story, but, it didnt even come close to showing the hell she has been through.


Anyway, when I moved to smalltown, she was the first person who came to welcome me to town.
I drove in with a UHAUL, two guys to help me unload, and lots of high hopes of making it.....or, at least making a living, all i ever asked for was enough money to live comfortably on. When I pulled in, there were at least 20 people there to help me unload my truck, and, lots of excitement about a new business downtown Smalltown.....
I still remember her walking in and asking what was I doing to that old building, why was I moving in?
Then telling me "welcome to town, this town needs women with vision"
She was a good friend while I was there, and she helped me keep my spirits up.

I rode into town with myfull of excitement, high hopes, and dreams, $600.00 on credit card debt, and 20,000.00 in stock markets......
two years later, I drove out of town, silently, broken hearted, down spirited, $40,000.00 in credt card debt, and less than $2000.oo in stocks.
An ailing father, and a partner who was a drunk......

I tried to bring a new birth to the town by bringing a business of deli, and bbq to their town, but, I couldnt get enough business to stay alive, a series of misfortunate happenings, beyond my control, but who was controlling it?
Plus a failing health dad, brought me back to Hometown. I brought part of my business home, the part, I felt would make the best living, but, it didnt....we couldnt get enough customers to keep us alive in hometown either, and it is a larger town than small town.
We put the perfect bbq together, and tried to sell it thru an outlet mall, in the food court.
Everyone told us our food was the best, but, if that was the truth, why did we fail to survive?

The mall, fired their manager, and put in a new leasing agent, who is doing nothing to bring business to the mall, in fact it is less occupied than it was when we put our bbq in, more than 50% less!
Once again, things which happened beyond my control, but, who had control?
Why did things happen the way they did?
Why do some restraunts suck, but yet they can hit the big times, then, mine, which was wonderful, coudlnt make paydirt!!!

This is ahole nuther story, and, im getting too twisted now....

What is behind the vicious losses I took during those two years? My dad died, loss of my business, loss of all the money he left me, in less than a year it was gone......what, why, who......

Self esteem
Self worth
Self protection


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Daniel,
bodies lying in rows
bodies returned to universe
burdens of life with us but a short time
time too short, knowing life is willingly given for all of us
calls upon us to repent our sins, and make that life worthy of that gift

back to the ground of which all life was made

So say we all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Battle star gallactica

living in hometown!

He is GONE tonight, went to see his sister, yeah right, probably met some chick at the homeless shelter, and took off with her.....

oh yeah, havent talked to you for a couple of days, yes, he is back,
If you lived here, believe me, he would be gone!
but, i cant deal with life here alone, I would have to be stoned everynight to survive living alone in hometown!!!!

It was hard enough in small town where I loved the people, but had no outside social life, and if he wouldnt have come along when he did, I dont think I could have survived there two years!!!!
i loved the people, but, had not ONE person ever want to do things after work....unless I invited them to come to my appartment, no one ever called and said, hey come on over...

The night I kicked him out, after 4 1/2 years of putting up with his drunk ass, I have had enough!
I kicked him out for 2 nights, and he came back, asking if he could come back. I did say ok, but, this is the last time, I will NOT give in another time!
but would I?
Knowing how difficult life is here in hometown, I know, i would go totally insane!
All of the other times i have loved and lost, i have withdrew, and knew it wasnt going to help to try and let out my pain emotionally.
Living in the city, i knew no one, no one knew me, and I could live a life of sin with out being detected, and with out reprecusion of people talking, knowing my business, or even caring!

Living in hometown keeps a person from living!!!!!!!
Does that make sense?
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1950/ wanda/ throwing knives at her kids,
thousands of years, tribes have stretched thier childrens skulls.......ailen heads...cone heads.....
thought to be dead thousands of years, but, scientists have found a tribe who still does it...
use heads to penetrate the jungle, now is a tradition, or is it?
sishkabutt

how many have eyes, to see
how many have ears to hear?
how many know the word?
Leonardo Divinci

MARVEL flying machine, divinci, english stretch, 200 miles perhour, jump plain disapears, made it across the English channel......
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drills, greed, murder

Sat. man-thing
9 sci fi

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