Adopted, and non existent....

Bio Uncle Rocky called me one night in a drunken stew. Telling me he had heard I had been calling asking questions. He said, "if you have questions, you ask me, no one else will tell you the truth, but I will"

so of course I asked about my bio mom, and how I became into being.
His version of the story was basically the same as the aunts, only, he didn't claim to know about his other sister being pregnant with a baby at same time as my biomom. He also, said, the guy was married, and left town with his wife, leaving my biomom to fend for herself with three children, one on the way from another man, meaning me. If he knew where the SOB was he would go shoot him!......so.....Not another good story.....He also informed me, that my bio mom had a child for another couple who couldn't have one. Meaning....There was another child adopted before me! Another mystery!! ??

Story number three comes several years down the road, after finding cousins, being told to just let dead dogs lie, and still not finding my siblings!

.... Biomom had gotten married again in 1954 , Wilbert Fisher, strangely enough, she got married in Newton KS. Which, is a mystery to all of us why she would come to Newton and get married! (where my adoption was legalized) They both being from Joplin, MO.??
She married a man with 6 other children (his total ended up being 10), and had two more with him, plus her own 4!!!! She gave me up in 1952, had another son by her first husband 13 months later, they had 4 kids not counting me! (the biggest question.....I had always been told I had two older brothers, and two older sisters) but....According to birthdates, there is no other older brother......So....Was it the older child she gave up for adoption before me?

She divorced Roy Rooks....(as he married a woman from France 2 more kids...) and we think he had one in Germany too with at least one more kid!!!!

We quit counting after finding his 9 or ?
Biomom, then, being married had 2 more kids....Totaling 7 kept, 2 adopted out...TWO?

Brings us to 1954, in steps a baby sitter. This baby sitter took care of the brothers and sisters, and while she was married to husband number two.
She became ill in 1957 after the last baby was born. The baby sitter was more and more involved with the care of the children, ranging ages 11-new born. The baby sitter was aprox. 14-15.....Remember this leg of the story later...


1959, Biomom is full of cancer, and dying. Fisher takes her to California to see her favorite sister, along with the 6 children.
She takes a turn for the worse, he puts her on the train, with a Red Cross lady, and sends her to the Newton train station, where her two sisters and husbands pick her up, along with the 6 children and Red Cross lady and take them to the Joplin hospital where she died with in days.
The last my grandmother had seen any of the grandchildren had been the day of the funeral, their dads picked them up from the cemetery and drove off with them all.
4 with one, 2 with the last husband. She never knew where any of them were taken.

This brings me to 1979. The phone rings, and it is a "sister", she had surfaced in Joplin to visit our bio grandmother. Grandma had shown her the letter I had written back in 1972 asking if anyone knew Alberta Rooks bio moms name. After speaking for a couple of minutes, she insisted I was the baby driven away from the cemetery in 1959. I kept telling her no I was born in 1952, but, she didn't want to believe me, and refused to believe her mom had given a baby away ...She insisted she would have been 4 years old and would have REMEMBERED a baby not coming home....But....She didn't..... Because....I was that baby!
She was in California, her husband was a migrant worker and they would work their way back to Muskogee when the crops were done. They work there way back to Musgokee in the winter, and would call me when she gets back.

At that time, she didn't know where any of the other brothers or sisters were either but, when she got back to Muskogee she would look for addresses.

During this time we wrote letters, exchanged info, and she still didn't believe I was the baby born in 1952, but, once she finally communicated with Aunt Dorothy, she finally believed I was who I said I was!

February 1979, we went to Muskogee, to meet my first sibling.
they always say the First impression is the lasting impression..... Not true, I have a very loving impression now, years later....
but that day, it was of Louise, the victim....
It was chilly, we drive up to the very dilapidated house, and three small children run out all three in diapers. Ages, ranging from 5 to 2. The next person I see is a very large, dark headed woman, who to me was beautiful, but had the "typical look of an Indian squaw" and, once again, the children were filthy, she was not well kept, very dirty clothing, and, another child looking out the window and she probably weighed 350 or more!
She invited us in, her husband, at that time being maybe 65, she said he wasn't sure of his birthday!! , sat in his chair, never getting up. She gave me the tour of the house, no furniture in the living room, but, hand prints all over the walls as if the children had nothing else to do but run around putting their dirty hands on the walls. The bathroom was not a place I wanted to put my toush, and, they had no beds, only mats on the floors, with piles of dirty clothing on the floor. She tried to pull out clothing for the kids to put on instead of their diapers.... My heart broke as I saw this type of poverty for my sister. I had led a very sheltered life up to that point, as the bugs crawled on my feet, up my leg, all over the furniture, I cried inside, wondering what I had gotten myself into sibling wise. (she has since, gotten a new life, and lost weight, and I am proud she is my sister!)

Her life had dramatically changed the day our bio mom died in 1959, her daddy taking her off in the car to his "French wife" in Washington state, who didn't have a clue he had an exwife with 4 kids, let alone that they were going to be staying with her while he left to go back to Korea!
Our oldest sister became a baby sitter for the 4 and her 2, while she enjoyed the night life, bars, men & booze....He came home a year later and died of cancer, leaving all the kids in Washington with no one who really cared for them. His brother came and picked them up, and took the oldest sister to his sisters home, and took the other 3 to his farm, expecting them to be the work slaves, and beating them if they didn't do as he said, damaging them in their childhoods....When he got the government check from their fathers payment of death, he took the kids to the orphanage and dumped them off. Her story is just so sad, she never had a chance in life....
My heart broke for her while we drove home, I cried, because she had such a difficult life, and I had such good parents whom I hadn't learned to appreciate!!! BUT I DID NOW!!!

When I got home from meeting Louise (Emmie) my adoptive mom ran out of her house and hugged me saying she thought I would not want to come back home!

After our meeting Emmie, she wrote my brothers 1 in Oklahoma , and 1 in KC., and other sister in MO., and gave them my address. To which they wrote, and we ended up meeting one by one over the years. We all had such different life styles, and upbringings it was very difficult to "bond" and get to know each other.

Story three, SEVERAL years later, probably back to 1999, A cousin who had formerly lived in Joplin but had moved away, moved to Wichita, and called me asking to meet up with her. We hit it off right away, she was energetic and full of stories, but, none about my mom. Apparently, aunt "Teeny" which is what they called biomom, was kept away from family by her controlling husband when he wasn't in the army he was controlling her, so she stayed home, away from most family and that is how no one knew about me.....BUT.....Cousin believes, her dad, had a problem keeping his pants zipped, and, got to my biomom...So...She thinks, my biodad is her dad! BOY I NEED A BREAK! I STILL have not had any kind of proof from this, and, the only way we could actually find out would be DNA tests. Everyone who knows the truths in this family took the truth to their grave. We have one living Aunt, but she chooses not to face any of this and refuses to give us any information. Altho, she did offer info about our biomom, needing love and having made bad choices in men! DUH!
She also gave information which was not expected but gives us reason to believe the story of the child being given away to a couple who couldn't have one could have some validly to it. Our frail grandma's old husband seemed to have a bad case of child molestation, and got to our biomom, could this be the baby given away to the couple who couldn't have a child? The 14-15 year old baby sitter? but wait, theres more to this mystery!

Back to 1987, I received a phone call from a lady in Hutchinson KS. She had been to Joplin MO to visit her step mom (French Lady) she had never met her before but wanted to know the lady who had been married to her dad. French lady, took out a box with some letters and in the box was a letter written in 1971 asking help to find an Alberta Rooks, or Roy Rooks. She hadn't known what to do with the letter since he had died in 1961, and, she didn't now anything about Alberta, she just put it in a box.
Now, 16 years later, it was being answered!
Jeanette was the oldest child of Roy Rooks, and she remembered fully when her daddy left her, her mom, and sister for our biomom!
She didn't hold it against our mom, but she sure did against her dad.
Her mom had remarried a wonderful man a few years later and she was thankful she had such a good step daddy. She has a heart as big as Texas, and has been the baby sitter for most of Hutchinson! Her sister is Barbara in Savannah GA. We got together quite often for a few years but have since lost touch.

1988 My wonderful Adoptive parents, had a birthday party for me after finding my siblings, and, we had our first reunion! We at that time had not found the baby sister Nancy Jo or her biobrother Michael. Louise didn't have a way to come, but my two brothers Carl & Roy were there, my oldest sister Annie from Missouri meeting her for the first time, she was the sister, I had always hoped for!!! The two step sisters Jeannette, Bill & Delaine, & DJ & Barbara& Cheryll WOW WHAT A 36th Birthday PARTY!!! It made up for all the ones I missed as a child! My two brothers even took care of the entertainment, we had a water hose fight! WHAT FUN!

1997, I got my first computer. I had heard about "chat" rooms for adopted people, and I was still looking for the baby sister and brother who had been driven off from the cemetery on the day of biomoms funeral.
I took home the computer, hooked it up, not knowing that AOL was a long distance call, and not knowing anything about computers, I think I did pretty good hooking it up, and getting on line with in a day! My first phone bill was 90.00!!! That quickly got taken care of once I learned local numbers to get hooked up to.
I put in the word adoption and found a world of info, and chat rooms.
But, not my sister. Time passed, now aprox 1998, and, we moved. I got back online, and, found a message board where I could put a listing for my baby sister asking for anyone knowing of a Nancy Jo Fisher daughter born 1957, and Mike Fisher, born 1955, children of Alberta Rooks Fisher please contact me. With in days, I had an email from a lady who had also seen a search put out by my baby sister looking for for Alberta Rooks.....she put two and two together and put my baby sister in touch with me!
I drove to Texas to meet her, and this was a VERY happy Reunion!!

As she had a cell phone, and I had a cell phone, we called each other to check and see our locations, trucks we were driving, etc, and out she flew, came running to my truck, all 95 pounds of her....here was this tiny little spit fire from Texas, the baby sister we finally had found each other!! !

We enjoyed a week in Texas, and then drove to Muskogee, met her/our brother Michael who had been missing since 1959, and all the rest of us.... on March 3, 1999 we, all 7 of us, were in the same room, for the first time in 40 years! Here were the oldest 3, then me whom they hadn't known about, the next three two of which had been whisked away when 2, and 4, and now for the first time we sat with some of our children and visited in the same room! The oldest remembered the two youngest, so were totally thrilled at reuniting with them, but, once again, I was the outsider, but at least I was part of the reason we got all together!!

It was not an Oprah style reunion, and it took several years to get it all together but I am so very happy we were able to get that one reunion it.
Our oldest brother Roy who, also kept us all stirred up with his behaviors and gossips about one another, came to Kansas to see our step sister, but, choose not to stop in and see me since he was upset with me for not loaning him some money. He was in Kansas for Christmas 1999, drove back to Oklahoma, and, on the day before New Years Eve of 2000, I got a call he was found dead in his apartment, apparently a heart attack when he got home from Hutchinson.
Since he was always showing up unannounced and always upset if I already had plans, it didn't surprise me he died on THE WEEKEND of the Millennium for party plans! I packed up and went to Oklahoma to help clean out his apartment, there was no one else that could go do it at that time except Delaine her sister DJ, and brother Carl, and myself. We had his body cremated, and, laid to rest in a local cemetery, but, had no service.....Which I feel sad about but my niece wanted to put something together after the holiday when everyone could be there, but..never did...

Baby sis, Nancy Jo, has since been doing so much more searching, and, has come up with the biggest mystery......Her adoptive mom was the 14-15 year old baby sitter from 1957, who, also, might be that child who was given away to the couple who couldnt have a child!!!!
Baby sis has found so many other mysteries, I have asked her to QUIT looking, we will NEVER find answers, these people are dead and buried! Her adoptive father is still alive, but...wont tell her anything....why do people think they are doing a favor by keeping secrets!!!

middle of the night intimacy was only there with one...

dream of returning to the past
fear of going back to same old behaviors

waking up facing the past

revolution of the mind.....

have to wake up, but yet this nitemare continues

cant grasp on to the merrygoround ring
keep missing it and getting thrown off....

falling out of life, every fall takes a tole on my body and soul
i keep trying to grab on and i keep falling off

The one I really wanted didnt want me, he walked outwithout saying goodbye, and I never heard from him again.....he tore my heart out, and left me along the road as road kill, to bleed todeath...

partner is gone again in treatment center, now, do i wait for him, hoping the changes will actually take place or is he hopeless, I just hate feeling hopeless for him....he is such a good person when he is sober, but.....can he change? or, am i alone the rest of my life?

My only dream was to be in love and loved....
I guess that is why I dont know what I want to be when I grow up because every time I have left a relationship, its starting over again, loosing all the dreams, and visions of my future, taking me down to the pits of hell, and not knowing how to rise up on my own instead of having another man in my life....
I hopelessly believe in soul mates
and i believe our souls travel searching for that soul
sometimes it is fluttered by a second of recognation, but, until it is truly touched by the other soul, it cant be connected
When that love fleets away our heart is broken, shattered, takes a long time putting it back together....
WHAT IS HAPPINESS ?
being here with you.....The one who is love....who can love....who does love...

memories of the fall, faces from the past
who was the love from the past...?
subconscious thing, treated women carelessly, here today gone tomorrow, never seen again....life moved on but yet my heart lingers for his touch, his look, his gentleness....

then partner came into my life, became like family to me, i dont want to give up on him, i need an answer, i need more...i am loosing hope, and dont like that feeling..
you tell me you want to have a future with me but your actions dont show it...I cant keep going like this...

Hi Ho Hi Ho Back to the Looney Bin he goes....

He stayed away 4 days, showed up on my doorstep asking to take a shower, and sleep in his bed once last time. Of course me being the push over, I allowed it.
He slept most of the next day, Im sure being out in the elements for 4 days, with 99 degree temps, he was totally wiped out. The next day after his sleep, we enjoyed the 4th of July, knowing he had a new job waiting for him on the 5th, he seemed excited, humbled, and knowing this was his last chance at change.
At least I have good memories of our last day together, he wasnt DRUNK on his ASS!
It was the good guy I fell in love with and have not been able to let go of.

The 5th came, he got up early to get to work by 7am. At 8:45 he called saying they were sending him over to the next town to pick up some parts, he would call me at lunch. He never did. I left work at 12pm, drove by the job sight and his truck was not there, he didnt answer his phone, I went home, threw his cloths on the porch and called his cell phone leaving a message that his clothes were on the porch, he needed to pick them up before I got home at 3pm.

5pm came along, he showed up, not drunk, but, had had a beer in hand.
Saying he was going back to the looney bin, for me to sell his stuff he cant seem to get it together and knows he is leaving me in a mess financially since he has not been able to hold down a job for more than a few of months at a time for the last 4 years.

Today I went and picked up boxes to get his stuff packed and off my porch.
I have gone through so many ranges of emotions, pissed off at myself for allowing him to stay almost 6 years, wanting to believe in him so much, knowing he could change if he just allowed the holy spirit to take over his life, but, he is void, empty, and cant seem to grasp hold of the teachings, or..doesnt want to.

I dont know what the answers are but, now, once again, I find myself having to start over AGAIN!
My life has been total hell for the last 30 years with little repreive inbetween.
Divorced twice, now this relationship over, broken dreams, faded visions, nothing more than void in my life also. Trying to hold on to what Faith I have left, and the memories of what few good times I have had in my life.
Each divorce is like a death, family and friends fall by the wayside, no one invites me to dinners, I have become invisible to them, and, others. I can walk into a grocery store or department store and no one notices me, i can rarely get a smile out of others walking past me.

I just feel so empty and unfullilled.
I know there are millions of others out there less fortunate than me, and right now I am feeling very self centered, but, cant seem to get past the pain of loss, over and over and over...I keep a smile on my face at work, few people know my problems, but.....I am dying on the inside, and, no one can help me....

I read articles about "I am in control of my future" THAT IS BULLSHIT!
Every step I have taken to secure my future has sent me deeper in to hell....
I just dont know how to pull my bootstraps up and get going again.
My body is so out of shape, my self confidence is wiped out, and, Iam totally alone.
Son lives in Colorado, daughter lives 40 minutes away both have their own lives.
Son didnt even call me for my birthday yesterday.
Daughter and family took me out for dinner last night which was very much appreciated. Several people from my job acknowledged it, which made me feel appreciated but.....where are tehy today when Im really needing someone?

Life sux then you die.....

shit hit the fan

he is finally gone, it took less than 6 years for him to go nuts and get kicked out
once again a woman gave up on him....
i loved him so much, not physically but emotionally, he was so kind, and gentle when sober, but....such an asshole when drunk...and, got more stupid everday after 5 years NOTHING MAKES anysense anymore...

now that he is out of the house maybe my life will start making sense?
but...I miss the phone calls in the middle of the day, asking "hey woman what you doing?"
there was a time we talked but, it got to the point, if he was drunk, he talked a short time then he was out of control, and nothing but fighting...he drinks less but out of control faster, it was escalating
he felt so hopeless, put himself into the state mental hosptial, but didnt like being there asked to be let out. He lasted less than two weeks at living up to the rules of no drinking, go to work, and, going to meetings
he couldnt do it....he left for 36 hours with out letting me know where he was..i was calling and begging him to come home, which was the LAST THING i should have been doing but, I wanted him to know how much he was loved and needed...
I felt sorry for him and didnt want him to feel so hopeless, but, obviously he doesnt want me or be with me, just another rejection....in life....altho he says I should not be so egotistical, its not rejection of me its just his inability to not drink....

his sanity times were shorter and shorter....
he used to make it 6 weeks sober...
Was I that hard to live with?

I just want to understand the mind of an alcoholic
the treatment centers arent helping them, but sure cost plenty of dough!

Is there an answer?
Scientology claims to have the answer, but, it is brainwashing, however, church does the same thing, why is is so difficult to hang on to the message from the church?
each church teaches basically the same thing but, each one has its own flavor, and, most of what i have found most dont really want to deal with hurting people...
Just like the lady I met recently...she is one of the CRAZIEST people I have EVER KNOWN....all types of diagnosis, but...no one wants to be around her, I dont even want to but....She is hurting so badly, her tears just ran down her face, poor child, she just wants a "normal" life....instead of being on disability....
but she lives in a tiny room, having to keep her important things in a travel bag and carry them downstairs with her because she says people get into her things.
If it is true or not she is phycho, but at the same time hurting so badly.

I just hope and Pray God will show me how to help her, I couldnt help Him, he wanted his life, not what I had to offer....
he said he did, but obviously he didnt....



I know its in Gods hands now, nothing can be done for him, no one can do anythig for him he has to pull himself up....
and he doesnt think he can....

i just hope he doesnt end it all as he has said many times, and, never been able to do...
not being able to hear from him is difficult but, at least i cant call him, i kept his phone!
He is out there with out money, wiht out phone, and will most probably find another sugar momma to keep him in booze and a place to live....I guess I was pretty stupid for putting up with him for so long, I just wanted him to know I believed in him, and our dream of the best bbq!!! but dreams are gone, spirit is almost gone...
with out spirit, no dream, no vision...no life....
where will it go from here?
either up or down
if I live with Faith, it HAS TO GET BETTER because that is what they keep telling me, but, for over 30 years it hasnt gotten better it keeps getting WORSE!

all perspective...all the way you look at it, so far i have not been able to see the blessings in any of the life changes i have had in the last 30 years
just al ot of heart ache and pain...
please help me see the blessings....


any one out there?
they say blogs draw over 8 million people a day....DOES ANYONE READ ME?

anyone out there?

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Goodnews for the chocolate lover!!!!

What a 36 hour day its been!

After going to the nuthouse to get my nut out, we had a wonderful weekend, talked about a future, talked about our plans, and enjoyed the time of being back together..,....or, so I thought....
at 10:30 on Monday morning, he came into my office and told me he was going to the next town for a job interview, saying it sounded pretty promisiing for a job starting in two weeks. Overjoyed I praised God and we prayed together asking for the blessing of employment and getting back on our feet.
That was over 36 hours ago, he has not been home since. I made a missing persons report yesterday after him being gone 24 hours. Finally last night at 9 he called to let me know he was ok, he would be home in 5 hours. He had gone to his "hometown" to face his demons.....ok....so....once again, forgiveness, I felt he was showing a sign of really trying to make life right.
NOW....12:30 he is still not home!

I must be the stupidist person on earth to keep believing this guy!

long time

Its been a long while since I had time to just sit and write.
It seems life keeps me busy, but, im not accomplishing anything!
I went to a program the other day given by a fellow highschool student. She was always the brains in the class, way above all of us other students. She is a Dr. of Divinity, music major, has written several books, travels to the Holy Lands, has worked on archilogical digs, song writer, and Professor at the local Bible College here in town. So much in her 53 years, and I have NOTHING TO SHOW for my labors.
That is enough to depress me big time!
All in the name of love have I stood by my men, until I couldnt stand anylonger, each time, giving up everything for my freedoms.
Now, here I sit once again, wating for my man to get grow his balls and GROW UP!
THEY DONT GROW UP, just grow OLD!

While he is in the state hospital trying to figure out what is wrong with him, I struggle to pay bills, and keep things afloat, I wish I had the chance to go to the hospital and find ME! But, floating thru life with no direction seems to be my way of life.

While he is gone, I should be able to have time for me, but, with trying to keep bills paid, I find myself busier than normal at work, and, had 17 hours over time, but, the church doesnt want to pay me over time, so, told me to take the days off!
WHAT A BUNCH OF BULL! I NEED THE DOLLARS! NOT THE TIME OFF, but, am trying to find the blessing in having the time off instead of the extra money!
One good thing came about, partner had taken on painting a house for a guy at the church, and, with his "dissapearing" to the hospital, his brother took over painting, but was doing a crappy job, so the guy didnt want to pay for the job, Partner told the guy he would make it right when he gets out, but that I needed the money to stay afloat. He evaded me daily, walked around the church as to not have to talk to me in the office, and I finally confronted him on his ignoring me and trying to not have to pay me, knowing I was depending on the money to come in. He stumbled a bit knowing he has been caught. We talked about the situation, and, I left it up to the Lord last night. This morning he showed up with the promised amount of $$, and told me he knew we would do the job when partner gets out of the hospital! I cried, feeling rather badly knowing he was paying for a job not well done! BUT we will make it right!

I will make it thru this, I just hope partner is capable of holding on to some of the gentleness and goodness God is showing him, and me!

I am going to the hospital tomorrow to see partner, I sure hope he has a spark of life in him, the last time I saw him he looked so hopeless.
He hasnt sounded too much better on the phone, but I do know they have been sending him to a lot of classes, such as anger management etc
He needs group support in child abuse issues, and, hopefully, he can learn to let it go, and move on...

It is easier to build a child, than to fix an adult....which is the scarey part, but, I am believing GOD CAN HEAL HIM!